Friday, September 30, 2005

Well I received the field report from Storm telepathically about how her assault on the Brotherhood of Mutant's held command center at the Creech Air Force base in Indian Springs, Nevada went today. If you haven't heard about it by now, then you aren't watching enough CNN.

Storm's team, consisting of Jean, Colossus, Angel, Havoc and Rogue had been stuck inside their X-Jet while Cyclop's team of X-Men managed to secure the nuclear missile silos themselves. It seems that Angel's wing feathers got caught in the exit hatch of the plane and no one could get him free. The emergency exit had unfortunately been declared a bio-hazard zone following an unpleasant incident a few weeks prior involving the Beast and a dozen extra-spicy Grande Quesadeas. Every time someone tried to pull Angel free he would howl like a little girl.

After Cyclop's team had completed their task, they hurried to Storm's plane to see if they could assist in the primary assault. Upon finding the group still trapped, Ice Man created a thin slippery coat of ice inside the hatch and managed to slowly push Angel's wing out from the inside. Once free, the two teams assembled to launch a joint assault. Storm quickly put a stop to that.

"Stop trying to oppress me, you white devil!" she yelled at Cyclops.

"What are you talking about?" he whined. "It only makes sense to use both-"

"Enough of your repression! I will not let you enslave me!" she screamed, her voice full of righteous indignation.

"Whatever!" Scott cried, throwing his arms up in defeat. He took his team back to their plane to play cards until the battle was resolved. Havoc, confused about which team he was on, went with Cyclops.

Finally ready to move, Storm whipped up some powerful localized wind and took to the air. Jean, Angel and Rogue joined her. Rogue carried Gambit on her back as Jean lifted Colossus telekinetically. They approached the roof of the base. Gambit chose that moment to seize the opportunity and squeeze Rogue's right buttock. She yelped and in a huff threw him to the ground from 300 feet in the air.

Gambit screamed in fear the whole way down. Just before he was about to splatter into goo on the roof, his body came to an abrupt stop, hovering a few feet above the concrete.

"Jean?" he asked, in his faux-French accent.

"Wrong as usual, cutie," came the silky smooth voice of the Scarlet Witch. Standing in the roof doorway, her hand gestured in a magic incantation, keeping Remy airborne. Storm landed next to her.

"Wanda, this assault is crazy," Storm said. "What does your father want this time?"

"Oh what does he always want, Ororo? Acceptance, respec and power."

"What does he hope to accomplish by seizing 100 nuclear missiles?" Jean asked, alighting next to the others.

"His demand is simple. He wants the Homo Sapiens of the world to acknowledge that mutants are great and that he should be in charge of the planet," Wanda answered.

"But that's silly! They aren't ever going to do that."

"Well, in that case he does have a fall-back demand."

"What's that?" asked Storm.

"Bring back Seinfeld. TV has been going downhill ever since that show left the air."

"I don't think they can do that either. The cast has moved on, you know?" said Rogue.

"In that case, he's going to launch all the missiles."

"You know we have to stop him," said Storm.

"Maybe it's time for Quicksilver and I to change sides again," Wanda said with a smile.

"I don't think we could trust you in the heat of battle," answered Storm.

"Well then, we'll just head back to the Savage Land. Good luck you guys," Wanda said as she levitated herself magically up and away from the base. Quicksilver, hidden a few steps inside the doorway, sprinted out across the roof and down the side of the building. The two were quickly gone from sight.

Reaching out with her mind, Jean could feel that Magneto and the few mutants he had left were just below the roof in the central command center. Eric's hand hovered over the big red launch button. Storm had Gambit, now back on his feet, energize a portion of the roof until it exploded in a huge fireball. Then Storm caused several lightening bolts to crash into the control center, frying all the computer systems, rendering the launch system useless.

Colossus jumped down into the room but Magneto easily sent him flying back through the hole. I can't tell you how many times Colossus has charged at Magneto, only to be thrown aside like a rag doll each and every time. You think that boy would learn. Gambit started to toss energized playing cards at Magneto but Toad leapt up out of the hole and landed right on top of him. Gambit was knocked back against the concrete. Rogue swept down into the command center only to find Cyclops standing there, his visor already trained on Magneto.

"I've got him," said Cyclops. "You go take care of Master Mind." Cyclops pointed back up through the hole in the roof. Standing on the edge was Master Mind. Rogue, slightly confused by Scott's presence, charged Master Mind and sent him flying. The scream that he let out sounded suspiciously like Jean's.

"Oh, oh," said Rogue. She looked back down and saw Mystique and Master Mind standing next to Magneto, laughing. Steel girders ripped out of the wall and wrapped around her. They started squeezing the life out of her.

At that instant a yellow cat with black spots belonging to a sergeant stationed at the ba
se, Tana Lee Alves, jumped out from behind a desk and sank her claws into Magneto's shoulder. Poor Eric dropped to his knees, howling in pain. Momentarily distracted, Storm was able to call down more lightening and take out Mystique and Master Mind. Toad, seeing the tide had turned, leapt away to safety.

The base, though heavily damaged, was now free. Seeing the all clear sign, the military moved in to secure the grounds and take Magneto and the others into custody. The X-Men then got in their jets and headed back to the school. Hopefully their success will encourage them to put aside some of their personal problems.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Well, the mission to stop Magneto and his Brotherhood from blowing up the world certainly went smoothly. I realize that writing is a limited medium so I'll just come right out and tell you, that first comment was made in my sarcastic voice.

The X-Men were to depart in two teams in the X-Jets to liberate the Creech Air Force Base that Magneto had taken over. Storm led the main assault team and Scott headed the secondary team, charged with securing the nuclear missile silos. Cyclops, who had not actually led a team in a few years and has been plagued recently by doubts and insecurities over Jean's lack of loyalty to him, was gripped by a sudden panic. While Storm jetted to the base in Nevada, Scott lay huddled in the corner of his jet crying like a baby, babbling on about how he would wind up getting everyone on his team killed.

Fortunately Gaia was there on Cyclops team and she used her reality warping powers to cause Cyclops' X-Jet to materialize instantly in the skies over Nevada. Ice Man used his powers to freeze Scott's private parts, causing him to snap back to reality. His team, consisting of Gaia, Ice Man, Wolverine, Gambit and Beast actually landed first. I used my mental powers of telepathy to get a field update from the team leaders.

Once they had landed, team Cyclops rushed to the first silo. Unfortunately for them, Sabertooth, the Blob, Avalanche and Black Tom were waiting for them. Sabertooth jumped in front of Wolverine.

"This is it, runt," he said. "We're gonna settle this once and for all!"

"Oh I agree, Victor," Wolverine replied. "It is time that we work through our issues. What I'd like is for both of us to make a list of our grievances with one another and then discuss-"

"What the hell are you talking about!? You're dead meat, runt!" And at that, Sabertooth jumped on top of Wolverine and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Ever since the Scarlet Witch reversed his personality, Logan has lost his killer instinct. Too bad.

The Blob lumbered towards the Beast but Hank wasn't having any of it. "Do you know how long I spent on my fur this morning!?" he yelled, doing a double back flip. And with that, he sprinted back into the safety of the X-Jet.

As Gambit started to flip some engergized playing cards at Avalanche, Black Tom zapped an energy bolt at him. Fortunately Ice Man was able to get an ice wall barricade up in time and deflected the bolt. Avalanche was knocked out by the cards before he could cause a localized earthquake.

Meanwhile, Scott had assumed the fetal position. His confidence was totally shot. The Blob was about to crush him with his flabby belly when Gaia used her reality warping powers to turn him into a butterfly. A 300 pound butterfly. He fell to the ground like, well, like a 300 pound butterfly.

While that was going on, Wolverine was still being pounded on by Sabertooth. Creed swiped his claws across Logan's face, digging deep into his skin. Something snapped inside Wolverine. "That's it, bub!" he screamed and proceeded to fly into a berserker rage. "Screw Oprah!!" was his battlecry as he wailed on Sabertooth, returning to his true nature.

After Bobby had thrown an ice-ball at Black Tom, knocking him on his rear-end, Scott's team, no thanks to Scott, had managed to secure the missile silos. Storm, unfortunately, though she had finally arrived, was having trouble getting out of the plane. Apparently one of Angel's wings had gotten caught in the one door of the plane and he was howling in pain whenever anyone tried to pry him loose. A design note for Stark Industries - put two doors into the X-Jet.

Hopefully Storm's team will get free soon. Unless they can stop Magneto, we are all doomed. (dramatic, huh?). I will give you her report tomorrow, if there is a tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

As you may have heard on the news, Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants (formerly known as the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants until that whole PC thing in the 90s), have taken over the newly renamed Creech Air Force base in Indian Springs, Nevada. The base houses over 100 Minute Man III nuclear missiles. Quite an explosive combination. Heh heh. Get it?

Alright, now you know why I never pursued a career in standup comedy. Anyway, with a mental summons, I called Cyclops and Storm into my office to give them their assignments.

"Professor, what are we going to do?" asked Scott.

"We are going to do what we always do in a time of crisis," I informed him. "We are going to respond like heroes. We are going to show the world that they should be grateful for mutants, not fear us. We will stop Magneto and his troops, as we have so many times in the past."

"Who is going on this mission?" asked Storm.

"That will be up to you Storm. You are leading the X-Men on this assignment."

"Of course, Professor," she responded in her cool, self-assured voice.

"Umm, Professor?" came Scott's hesitant and cautious voice. "Don't you think, I mean, given the seriousness of this threat, that someone with more, you know, experience, should lead the team?"

"Now Scott, Storm is com-"

"How dare you!?" Storm exploded. "You are always trying to put barriers around me! Keep your Euro-centric white racist pathologies away from me! Just because I am black you try to-"

"Storm, please," I interrupted. "Let's not start that again. Scott was just saying-"

"That is totally unfair Ororo!" Scott interjected. "I am not racist! I think all people have equal rights and-"

"Oh Godess spare me!" Storm moaned, throwing her arms up into the arm. "You are afraid that a person of color will outperform you and destroy your irrational, fabricated and laughable belief in the white man's superiority. Deep in your heart you know that the black race is superior to you. The truth will set you free!"

"Storm, please," I said again. "We have a very serious situation-"

"That is crap!" screamed Cyclops, his voice rising to an almost falsetto. "I'm better than you because I have more experience, both as a leader and in combat! It's not just because I'm white."

"Aha!" she yelled. "You admit that you think you're better than me because I'm black! Where's you white hood-"

"Enough!" I bellowed while also belting the two with a psychic blast. Once they managed to pick themselves up off the floor, they were both docile and thankfully quiet. "Now then, that's better. I want two teams responding to this crisis. One, lead by Storm, will be responsible for the primary assault on the command center. The second, Scott's team, will have the task of securing the silos. Storm's team will consist of Jean, Colossus, Angel, Havoc and Rogue. Scott will take Beast, Wolverine, Gambit, Ice Man and Gaia."

"Gaia?" asked Cyclops.

"Yes. She has powerful reality warping powers that could prove very useful on your mission."

"But Professor, my team, I mean - with Wolverine and Beast's recent, umm, personality issues, they may not be the most reliable choices for this mission."

"Scott, you have your orders. If you feel you can't lead the team then I will pull you from this mission altogether and let Gambit lead them."

"No, no," he quickly answered. "I can do it."

"Good. Now get going. And Godspeed, my X-Men."

Hopefully the actual mission will go more smoothly than giving them their assignments. We'll find out.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Magneto is up to his old tricks again. I can't help but feel partially responsible since I was the one who released him from the high-security federal detention facility. We had made a bargain. I arrange for Eric's escape and he would take the insufferable Wolverine off my hands. Since then, the Scarlet Witch has used her magic powers to bring out Logan's sensitive nurturing side. But now all he does is sit around and get gooey over Oprah. Fortunately Deadpool has volunteered to work with Wolverine and find out if there is still a man inside. He seems to be making some progress.

None of that changes the fact that Magneto has taken rather drastic action. He and the Brotherhood have seized control of the Creech Air Force base in Indian Springs, Nevada. That particular base has over 100 Minute Man III nuclear missiles. The federal government is afraid to move on the base because Magneto has threatened to launch the missiles. What a drama queen! Fortuneatley, the Scarlet Witch gave me the heads up that her father was planning something.

Eric has always insisted on doing these flamboyant, extroverted operations. Why? Because he's a press hog. He loves seeing his name in print. It makes him feel important. He is an old friend of mine but he does make it tough sometimes. In an effort to insure that his face was seen in the lead
stories of all the evening news programs, he released a video tape to the press.

"Greetings to the inferior dinosaurs who think they now rule this world. This is your superior, Magneto, Master of Magnetism. The time has come for the Homo Sapiens of Earth to recognize that they are yesterday's news. Man is passe. Tomorrow belongs to Mutants!"

He can really be quite the blowhard. I suppose I'm going to have to do something about it. You'd think that after all the battles he's lost, Eric would have learned his lesson. Oh well. I'll send out a team of X-Men tomorrow and see if we can't stop the Brotherhood again.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Well, Gaia put together a team of mutants with powerful mind-effecting powers and managed to correct the Beast's poor self-image. The change in him in just one day is remarkable. However, an unforeseen consequence has arisen that required my immediate attention. I called Beast into my office to address it.

"Thank you for coming, Hank," I said to him.

"Why, of course, Professor Xavier. I am, as always, at your beck and call." I did notice that his voice now rung with power and confidence, quite unlike the old insecure Beast.

"I received a call from Citibank today. They were concerned about the high volume of unusual charges on my credit card over the last 24 hours."

"Umm, but Professor, I thought that card was available for student purposes," he replied, a tad sheepishly.

"No, Hank. I do make that card available to students but for emergencies only."

"Well then, I can assure you that each and everyone of my purchases had the utmost exigency."

"Really? Let's see then . . $152 for Louise Galvin "Sacred Locks Moisturizer" from Saxs . . $635 for an Elsa Peretti silver brush set from Tiffany's . . $867 for the Salon Pro Ultra hair dryer from Sharper Im-"

"Professor!" Beast interrupted. "You have to understand that my beautiful fur coat requires the utmost care and attention. No expense is too great for bringing out the sublime angelic quality of my fur."

"Come now Hank, $635 for some brushes? That's completely unreasonable."

"That is merely a one time, necessary expenditure to insure-"

"Hank! While I am glad that you are accepting yourself as you are, I think you're going a little far with the expensive hair care products. What's wrong with the Pantene Extra Silky that you have always used?"

"Please Professor! I am aghast! That type of cheap shampoo might be alright for the children, but my beautiful blue fur is so consummately flawless, so ultimately splendif-"

"Hank! I am canceling all of these charges! If you want to spend $150 for a 6 ounce bottle of hair conditioner which won't even get you through one wash, then you will have to come up with the money yourself."

"But Professor, don't you see that my fur requires only the finest of-"

"NO!! Get out of my office!!"

And with that he quickly bounced out. I know I shouldn't have lost my temper, but his vanity is just insufferable. I am hoping this is merely a stage that he passes through quickly. We'll see.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Today I staged an intervention for Nightcrawler. His perverted behavior was threatening not only the peace of my school, but also was exposing me to personal legal liability. With Wolverine in manliness training camp with Deadpool and the Beast now being given to Gaia and her group for some self-esteeming building, mutant style, I've decided to try and tackle Nightcrawler myself.

Kurt was wheeled into my office this afternoon by Cyclops. Shadow Cat, Jubilee, Wolfsbane, Storm, Angel, Ice Man and Colossus were already there. Kurt still had on a body brace and wore a bandage around his head from the beating he received yesterday by the girls when he broke in on their steam bath.

"Vhat is dis?" he asked in confusion.

"Kurt, this is what is known as an intervention," I informed him. "We have all gathered together to try and help you see the effect that your indulgence of your lewd impulses are having on those around you."

"But, Herr Professor, I don't know vhat you mean," he protested.

"Of course you do you blue freak!" Shadow Cat screamed.

"Now Kitty, we are here in a supportive loving way and there will be no name calling."

"But that troll knows exactly what you mean! He's a pervert who likes spying on girls!" she yelled.

"Mein Liebschen, it is just dat I appreciate how beautiful you and ze others are," Kurt answered. "It is only natural zhat I vould vant to bask in your radiance!"

"That's crap!" Jubilee yelled. "You're just a pervert!"

"Girls, please!" I interjected, trying to maintain some control. "No yelling. This is about nurturing and resolution."

"Vhat can I say Herr Professor? I loves ze girls!"

"Well if you come anywhere near me ever again freak, I'm going to shove your tail so far up your butt that the pointy end will be coming out of your mouth!" Kitty was practically frothing at the mouth as she screamed.

"But little Kitty cat, you hurt me," Kurt replied with a wounded tone in his voice. "Can't ve be . . friends?"

And at that she picked up the lamp from my desk and threw it at him. The others were too stunned to react. The lamp smacked into his head and Kurt went over like a dead weight. Sigh.

"All right everyone, I think we've done enough for today," I announced. "Cyclops, please take Kurt back to the med-room and have Jean check him for a concussion. Thank you all for coming."

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Nightcrawler is still up to his old tricks, I'm sorry to say. I had hoped that spending a couple of weeks in the Westchester police station for harassing one of my young students, Kitty Pryde. She walked into her room to find a naked Nightcrawler wearing a pair of her panties on his head. She immediately called the police who took Kurt away. Hoping he had learned his lesson, I freed him yesterday.

Almost immediately upon returning, Kurt resumed his perverted antics. Jubilee, Wolfsbane and Shadowcat were all in the steam room following an intensive aerobic Yoga class when Nightcrawler teleported into the small, very hot room. The fool landed right on the red hot stones heating the air. He, of course, screamed in pain. Landing hard on the floor he curled up into a howling ball. The girls jumped on him and began wailing away.

Once Nightcrawler's feet had been bandaged and iced and his broken ribs set, he was wheeled to his room for convalescence. The three girls came to my office.

"Professor, that blue skinned freak has to go!" Shadowcat yelled.

"Yeah," agreed Jubilee. "I'm sick of his constant leering and groping!"

"If he doesn't go, we're going to have to take drastic action!" threatened Wolfsbane.

A gnawing sense of unease grew within me as I thought about the size of the judgment the girls could win against the school for my not taking appropriate action against Nightcrawler's inappropriate behavior. I tried to defuse their anger. "Now girls, I completely understand your concerns, but you have to admit, he hasn't actually caused any harm."

"How can you say that, you chauvinist pig!" Shadowcat yelled. "If you are going to defend that pervert than you're no better than he is!"

"Now, Kitty, you know I'm not like . ."

"This is your school so it's your liability, I mean, responsibility," Jubilee said. Aw oh. That slip set off alarm bells. "You have to do something about him!"

"Unless you want me to call the police again?" asked Kitty.

"No, of course not," I answered. "I would . ."

"Can't you alter his mind?" Kitty asked.

"Now Kitty, you know I could never do such a thing," I answered. "Having powers like mine create a serious moral responsibility. I could never violate someone's rights by using my powers to alter their minds. I am ashamed of you for even asking such a thing. Now, I will deal with Kurt but I want you all to think long and hard about the moral code that Homo Superiors have to use their powers for the benefit of all people and not for their own selfless petty needs."

Whew. To my relief the girls felt sufficiently chastised and sulked out of my office. I am going to have to do something about Kurt, though. The last thing I need is another trip to the courts. Judge Judy was enough to last me for a lifetime.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Gaia, a sometimes guest here at the school and a powerful mutant with reality-warping abilities, asked me how long I was going leave Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Beast and Gambit locked up in the local Westchester police station. To be honest, I had planned to leave them behind bars for quite a while, hoping that they would learn a lesson about how to be men. Each one of them have major personality defects. Cyclops is rather wimpy, Nightcrawler is a pervert, Beast is incredibly insecure about his weight and Gambit . . well, let's just say that Gambit is learning to come to terms with the real him.

However, what with Wolverine turned into a flower child who watches soap operas all day, the X-Men are getting rather depleted. In the event of a crisis, there isn't really much of a team to respond. I suppose that means it's time to have them released. Up to this point I have been using my mental powers to prevent the boys from using their powers to escape. Now I'll use my powers to free them. This will just take a moment. I'll just have to scan the precinct with my telepathic powers.

Ahh, there is an Officer O'Hearly who is presently on detention duty. I just take over his mind, have him walk to the cells and unlock them . . yes, well done. Now I'm telling the boys to follow the officer to the back door . . O'Hearly is letting them out. Very good. Now I'm taking over the mind of Officer Grissom who is working at the computer station . . he's deleting all the records of my X-Men. Now Officer Bundy is shredding all the paper files . . perfect.

Well, the boys are on their way back to school. Hopefully they've learned something. Somehow though, I doubt it. We'll see.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Well, Cyclops embarked on his mission to rescue Nightcrawler, Beast and Gambit from the local jail. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by the results.

I had told Cyclops to assemble a team to perform the jail-break. He decided however to attempt the rescue on his own. Apparently he felt some sort of need to prove his manliness to Jean by doing a brave, heroic feat.

Scott waited until the cover of darkness. At least he had that much sense. He waited on the corner until the street was clear and then hurriedbehind a metallic garbage dumpster next to the station. Then he snuck over to the drainage pipe running up the side of the one story
police precinct, shimmied up to the roof and ran over to the locked steel access door. Scott used a lower-level optic blast to zap the lock and snuck inside.

As he crept down the staircase, hugging the wall, I could hear the Mission Impossible music playing in his head. When he reached the bottom, he started slowly down the hall. Just then, a police officer rounded the corner. Scott froze, holding his breath.

"Hey, what the hell are you doin' here?!" the officer shouted.

Scott let out a high-pitched yelp. In a mad panic he spun around and started running. But he spun too far. He smacked hard into the wall, bouncing off and crashing down on the linoleum floor. A loud crack filled the entire building as his head connected to the ground. Scott was knocked unconscious. The police dumped his limp body in the cell next to the other X-Men.

At this point all the holding cells in the Westchester precinct are full of my students. I am embarrassed to admit that I trained these people. Oh well. Hopefully a little time behind bars will toughen up Scott. I plan to use my mental powers to block his mind from activating his mutant powers, just as I am with the others. Serves the incompetent buggers right. Maybe they will finally learn something.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

With Wolverine gone to stay with Deadpool for some macho bootcamp, I had thought I might be able to get some work done today. Silly me.

Cyclops came barging into my office while I was in the middle of using my awesome mental powers to manipulate the minds of the local town board here in Westchester to lower the property taxes for the school.

"Professor!" he whined.

"What is it now, Scott?" I asked, not bothering to hide the exasperation in my voice.

"Jean is doing it again!"

"Doing what again?"

"I just saw her on CNN. She was in New York with Spider-Man!"

"Spider-Man? What on earth for?" I asked.

"I don't know. They were having some kind of Team-Up or something. They were battling Avalanche and Doctor Octopus!"

"Well, those two are notorious super-villains. It sounds like Jean was involved in appropriate heroic behavior, setting a fine example of the benefit that Homo Superior can offer society."

"Yeah right. Once the bad guys were beaten Jean and that . . that . . bug . . disappeared! For two hours! What the hell were they doing?!"

"Now Scott, they may just have been celebrating their victory and establishing a . ."

"That's crap! They were fooling around! I know it!"

"Scott, come now. You have no idea . ."

"I can't take it anymore, Professor! Jean treats me like a door mat. She goes off with any guy who comes along. I just can't stand it!"

I tell you what I couldn't stand anymore - Scott's constant whining. He's as much of a wuss as Wolverine has become. Cyclops really needs to develop a backbone. But I'm no therapist and I have no interest in putting in the kind of time he needs to unlock his inner manhood. I used my mental powers to erase his memory of seeing Jean with Spider-Man. I did have one idea that might help him, though.

"Scott, I have an important mission for you."

"Umm, yes Professor?" he said in a dazed voice.

"I want you to lead a team to rescue your fellow X-Men who are being held in the Westchester jail. Can you do that?"

"Of course, Professor. I'll get right on it!"

Hopefully that will keep him out of my hair (ha ha) for awhile and I can finish fixing my tax problems.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I think we might have made a serious mistake with Wolverine. Since his return from the Savage Land where the Scarlet Witch had altered his personality with her magic powers, he has become even more intolerable than he was before, if that were possible.

I've heard from some of my students that Logan has resumed his vigil in front of the TV but now he's eating Wasabi peas and Trail Mix and he was watching the triumvirate of womanly mush: Oprah, Ellen and the latest man-hating she-devil, Martha Stewart.

After I found out about this recent behavior, I summoned Wolverine to my office. At the time, he was on the Starbuck's line in the lobby. He was planning to order a Decaf Komodo Dragon blend. Decaf!? Wolverine!?

"Hello Professor Xavier," he said to me. Not, 'Hi Wheels' or 'What's up Chuck?'. It took me a moment to believe what I was hearing.

"Um, how are you today Logan?"

"Just dandy, Professor. Thanks for asking!"

"That's, um, great. I hear you've started watching Oprah," I told him.

"Oh, she's just so insightful, don't you think? So real."

"And, um, I heard you were crying during the show?"

"Well she had this special tribute to Lance Armstrong on today. It was very moving. It's just amazing all that man has overcome."

To my shock and dismay, Wolverine started to tear up as he spoke. It almost made me embarrassed to be a man.

"Um, Logan, there's a, um, special assignment I'd like you to go on," I told him.

"Of course Professor, I'd just love to help in any way I possibly could."

"Good, very good, Logan. There is a former acquaintance of yours who is in a dark place and needs a friend right now. You remember . . Deadpool, right?"

"Oh sure, we share some genetic material. Yeah, he's an intense guy alright."

"Well, I want you to move into his apartment for a few days. Spend some quality time with him. Let him know that he is, um, loved. Can you do that for me?"

"Of course Professor! When do you want me to go?"

"Immediately!" I yelled just a little too loudly.

I can't believe how pathetic Wolverine has become. Hopefully Deadpool can toughen him up a bit. If that doesn't work, Wanda may have to try and undo her spell. He is really intolerable right now.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Storm returned from the Savage Land with Wolverine today and I must say, the change in him is dramatic. I'm not quite sure what the Scarlet Witch did to him, but it is a miracle.

Upon landing the X-Jet under the retractable basketball court, Storm came directly to my office.

"Professor, I got Wolverine out of Magneto's lair without a moment to spare."

"Why do you say that, Ororo?"

"When I arrived, I found Wolverine giving the Blob a foot massage! With oil and everything!"

"You're kidding?!"

"It was as gross as it sounds. And then when Logan saw me, he broke into a broad smile and ran over to say high. As he ran, Toad used his disgusting tongue to paste a "kick me" sign on his back. And then each evil mutant he passed kicked him! And Wolverine didn't do anything!"

"Didn't do anything? I don't believe it," I answered.

"All he did was say inane things like, "That's pretty funny guys," or "good one." He's, I don't know, become a total nerd. Wolverine is a wuss!"

The change is just incredible. Wolverine's personality has been altered 180 degrees. I'm not quite sure how Wanda did it, but I am definitely in her debt.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Gambit has become rather upset since I "outed" him the other day on this blog. It seems he's still in denial. Anyway, in an effort to verify his masculinity to the world, he coerced the Beast into attempting to break Nightcrawler out from jail. His been sitting in holding awaiting trial for harassing Kitty Pride last week. I've been using my mental powers to block him from teleporting. I was going to have him released myself until he posted a rather sexist comment the other day that showed he had as yet failed to reform.

About 3Am last night Hank and Remy drove over to the local precinct where Kurt was being detained. They parked down the block, snuck around the back of the station and hoped over the fence. Beast hopped onto the roof and hanging off the side, unplugged the security camera trained on the back door. Gambit then used a low level kinetic energy charge to blow the lock.

The two snuck into the precinct, moving slowly and avoiding the few officers in the building. They managed to find the detention area without being seen. The one officer present at the watchdesk was snoring loudly, a half-eaten bowl of fruit in front of him. Apparently the Westchester County Police nightshift crew aren't that sharpest knives in the drawer.

Beast and Gambit snuck past the desk towards the cells. Unfortunately, the officer on duty was a bit of a slob. Hank slipped on a banana peel on the floor. He tumbled head over heels, crashing into Remy who fell forward and hit his head on the wall, knocking himself out. Beast flipped backward, landing on a bunch of grapes, his head smacking into the corner of the desk. The commotion awoke the officer who found 2 knocked out X-Men on the floor in front of him.

The officer got a medal and Beast and Remy are now in an adjacent cell to Kurt. And all because the officer's wife had put him on the Southbeach diet. Oh well. Storm has taken the X-Jet back up to the Savage Land to pick up our newly reformed Wolverine so at least our ranks won't be too badly thinned.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Now that the Wolverine problem seems to be resolved thanks to the timely intervention of the Scarlet Witch and her personality altering magic powers, and with Nightcrawler still in custody after harassing the young girls here, I assumed I might finally have some peace at my school. Imagine my horror then when I went down to the entrance and saw that a Starbucks had opened up in the lobby!

How is such a thing possible? The location of the Xavier School for Gifted Students is secret! Where on earth did these maggots come from? Starbucks is like some insidious parasite.

I went up to the salesperson to complain but she just smiled and referred me to the mana
ger. As I ranted to the manager about how they were tresspassing on private property and they were not welcome, he just smiled and nodded. When I had finally yelled myself horse, he offered me a complimentary French Roast coffee. I was dumbfounded. The Beast told me to stop holding up the line. I looked behind me and saw 5 of my students waiting to order.

Having had enough, I used my awesome mental powers to make the staff run in terror from the school. For some reason, my powers had absolutely no effect whatsoever. I wasn't even able to read their minds. I think they might all be robots.

Starbucks is even more unstoppable than Juggernaut. I am powerless before them. Having them in the school will take some getting use to. I asked the manager if he had anything with alcohol in it.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Captain America refused to take my phone call. I had hoped I'd be able to convince him to reconsider about taking Wolverine into the New Avengers. I really thought it would be a good fit. I could just see him posing with Wolverine and some others, perhaps for a painting or a magazine cover or something.

Ah well. Back to plan B. Or maybe I'm up to plan G by now. I've just got to get rid of Logan.

The Scarlet Witch has generously voluntered to use her hex powers to alter his personality. Wanda is still up in the Savage Land with her father, Magneto. I've told Wolverine that he forgot his underwear up there and the Blob is planning to sell it on E-bay. Wolverine freaked! He got Storm to transport him back up tothe Antarctic in the X-Jet so he should be parachuting over Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants base later this evening.

Good luck Wanda! Let me know what happens.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I just had my little talk with Wolverine. I was a little suprised at his reaction to the prospect of being an Avenger, or at least, a New Avenger.

"What's up, Chuck?" he said, followed by a stream of giddy laughter. How I loathe him

"Thank you for coming, Logan. I have tremendous news."

"You just saved money on your car insurance?" More inane laughter. I can't really believe he thinks he's funny.

"Nooo . . something even better. Captain America has made a formal invitation for you to join the Avengers. Isn't that wonderful?"

"That dude's a stiff. Ain't interested."

I was quite suprised aback by his reaction.

"B-but Logan, this is a real honor. The Avengers!"

"Big friggin' deal. Those guys are pikers. 'Sides, didn't you hear? They all just got toasted."

"But, Captain America - he's an icon, a hero!"

"He's a loser just like the rest of 'em."

"Think of all the good you could do for human/mutant relations if you joined the prestigous Avengers."

"I don't give a crap about human/mutant relations. I'm gonna go grab a brewskie. Later, Wheels. Heh, heh."

"Logan! Wait!" I called after him but he ignored me. Sigh. Unfortunately the Weapon X program put inside him some kind of neural conditioning so I am unable to alter his mind, the way I can with others. I'm going to have to think of a different approach. He must go.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Well, it looks like my students may just get to have another party. I contacted Captain America upon hearing that he was forming a New Avengers team.

"Hello, Captain, how are things with you?" I asked once I had managed to track him down.

"Not to good Professor Xavier. The Avengers have been destroyed. I'm putting together a new team to find out who did it and to destroy them." I couldn't believe my good luck!

"Well Captain, then I certainly have some good news for you. My absolute best and bravest fighter is looking for a new challenge."

"Who?" he asked.

"He is a warrior born and bred with tremendous healing abilities and a fearless, tenacious spirit."

"Who?" Captain America repeated, sounding more impatient.

" . . Wolverine," I answered.

There was dead silence on the line.

"The little runt is a psychopath, but that may just be what I need right now. Alright, Professor. Send him to me. Let's see if I can make a man out of him."

My heart just sang with joy. Thanks for the tip D.P. - now I just have to talk Logan into it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Well, I just had one disappointing phone call. I had contacted Dr. Stephen Strange, master of the mystical arts and leader of the Defenders, in order to try and find a new home for the totally annoying and almost completely useless Wolverine.

"Hello?" said Dr. Strange's manservant, Wong. How he gets away with having an Asian manservant in this politically correct day and age, I have no idea. Hmmm, a manservant certainly sound useful though. Perhaps with the right use of my telepathic powers, Sunfire might just fit the bill.

I told Wong who I was and he put Dr. Strange on the phone. "Hello Charles," he said. "How are the X-Men these days?"

"Just great thanks," I answered. "What's new with the Defenders?"

"Not much. It's a little hard to keep tabs on everyone, though. We don't really have a formal roster. We're a bit more of a non-team, really. Basically anyone who wants to can be a member."

"Well that's terrific. I actually have a student who is ready to, um, graduate, and leave the school. I was hoping you might have a spot for him."

"Who is it?" Strange asked, the rising suspicion unmistakable in his voice.

"Um, Wolverine," I replied.

"Oh. I see. Well, I'm sorry Charles, but now that I think about it, our ranks are overflowing right now and we just can't take anyone else. Bye."

And the line went dead before I could say another word. Sigh. My "friend" had also suggested the New Avengers. Maybe I'll give them a call tomorrow.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Well, what I feared would come to pass has. Shortly after Wolverine returned to the school this morning, Cyclops came running into my office, tears streaking down the sides of his face.

"Professor, how could you?!" he moaned.

After a brief sigh, I replied, "Scott, you must understand. I have a certain obligation to Wolverine since I took him in after he left the Weapon X program."

"Oh that's crap!" he shouted in his whinniest voice. "You know he got kicked out of Weapon X because he wouldn't get off the couch. All that little psychopath does is watch TV and talk about how he's going to slice up all the losers!"

"Be that as it may, I do feel some obligation to . ."

"But Professor, it's just not fair!" Scott interrupted. "I don't know what my Jeannie sees in that dwarf but I just can't stand it."

"Well Scott, then I may have some good news for you. A, um, "friend", recently suggested that there may be an opening for Wolverine on the Defenders. I'm going to make some inquiries. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow."

"Well, okay then. I guess," he sniffled. I swear, that boy is such a girl.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

It looks like things are falling apart in the Savage land thanks to our little Wolverine. Apparently he's creating as much a disturbance for Magneto and his people as he did here at the school. Magento has asked me to take him back but as he knows, we had a deal. I helped him "relocate" from his federal "housing" and he agreed to take the crazy Canuck off my hands.

Sigh. Wolverine is such a nuisance. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for agreeing to take him in the first place. He had no where to go and I thought it might be valuable to have a seasoned Weapon X fighter on the X-Men. Then when I realized what a slacker couch-potato he really was, I figured I could just put him on the front line of some horrendous battle and let nature run his course. I hadn't counted on that ridiculous healing factor of his though. He's very hard to kill.

And the funny thing is, he's really a terrible fighter. Sure he can carve up things pretty good, if he can ever make contact. He's best at taking on stationary objects, like doors and walls. Against a living being, he always takes a beating. If someone has gun, you can be sure Wolverine's going to get shot. If he didn't have that healing factor, he'd be dead a long time ago.

I guess I'll have to take him back from Magneto. I better get Scott a box of Kleenex.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Imagine my surprise to find upon our return from the Dr. Phil show that Nightcrawler had been arrested and was currently being held in the local detention center. Apparently in my absence he was up to his usually tricks with the girls.

Kitty Pryde, a lovely young lady with the power to walk through walls, had returned from the movies about 10pm. She and Colossus had been to see the 40 Year Old Virgin. I think Peter was trying to send her a message. Anyway, when she got up to her room, Nightcrawler was there, stark naked except for a pair of Kitty's silk panties draped over his head.

Kitty freaked. She immediately called the police who were well aware of our address thanks to Scott and Jean's frequent "domestic incidences." In short order, the police were at the school to arrest Nightcrawler. Unfortunately for Kurt, Jean, who feels very protective of the girls, was fed up with his perverted antics. She used her psionic powers to interfere with his ability to trigger a teleport, so Kurt couldn't flee. The police took him into custody and he spent a night in the tombs.

I thought about springing him by altering all the officers' thoughts, but it may actually do him some good to spend a few days behind bars. Hopefully that will give him the motivation to keep his twisted inclinations in check.

Friday, September 09, 2005

My ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert, and I were on the Dr. Phil show today. I must say, that man is an idiot.

Apparently the episode had a theme of which I had not been told - Kind Suffering Women and their Evil Cruel Men. And here I was told that Dr. Phil was a woman hater who would be sympathetic to my plight. That's the last time I take Gambit's word for anything.

I suppose I have to take some of the blame. Everything started out perfectly nice. Moira and I sat on comfortable chairs opposite Dr. Phil. For several minutes we had what seemed to be a perfectly reasonable chat. He asked is about how we met and what attracted us to each other. It was actually felt good to remember our good times. He lulled me into a false sense of security. I didn't bother to read his mind to see where that twisted bastard was leading us.

"So when did things start to go wrong?" Phil asked Moira.

"When Charles started talking about how he was going to lead the world into an age of peace and enlightenment," she answered in that annoying Scottish brogue of hers.

"I see," Phil said with his long drawl. "So he has a Messiah complex. That's when a person thinks he is the Messiah." Duh.

I stared in open disbelief as him. "I don't think I'm the Messiah," I protested.

"Is it true that you want to lead the world into an age of peace and enlightenment."

"Well, of course," I replied. "I mean, isn't that a noble goal? Why wouldn't I want such a thing?"

"You see your problem is, you have delusions of grandeur. You've taken on to yourself the role of savior of mankind. What you have to do is . ."

"You quack!" I yelled, cutting him off. "You have no idea what you're talking about! I am one of the most powerful beings on the planet. I can make an entire city . ."

"You see, you are just proving my point," Dr. Phil said with an inane smile on his face. "You are just over-compensating for the fact that you're an old bald man in a wheelchair. You obviously feel emasculated by the . ."

I couldn't believe the pycho-babble I was hearing. Not able to stand another second of the lunacy, I had Cyclops wheel me off stage and take me back to the school. That is absolutely the last time I let the she-witch drag me onto a TV show. And I hope Oprah pulls the plug on that simpleton. You know, I don't think he's even a real doctor.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Hmmm. I just had a rather interesting message from my ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert. Apparently the episode of Judge Judy that we taped ran today and the she-witch watched it. She tells me that she felt just terrible about the way Judge Judy treated me. Moira claims that she wants to reconcile our differences. To that end, she has arranged for us to go on Dr. Phil tomorrow to get some professional help to work through our problems. Moira happens to have gone to college with Oprah's gynecologist, which is how she was able to get us scheduled so quickly.

Now normally I would never associate myself with some schlock pop-pseudo therapist li
ke "Doctor" Phil, but I've heard Gambit laughing at what a woman-hater he is. Gambit never misses an episode of Dr. Phil. Remi pretends to be a ladies man but that's just a smoke-screen. In actuality, Gambit is as gay as Liberace in a tutu.

This could be my perfect opportunity to get revenge on Moira. Make me look bad on national TV, will she! And to think I was about to engage the services of Deadpool. First, my revenge. Then Deadpool.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I received the call from Magneto today that he has reached the secret Brotherhood of Mutants base in the Savage Land in the Antarctic. He made rather good time considering that he only left his federally provided "accommodations" the day before yesterday. I have had some who saw my post on this blog question my wisdom in helping to liberate a "mutant terrorist" and to them I say, I have my reasons. Specifically, Magento tells me that he is all ready to receive Wolverine. That is a tremendous relief to me as well as several of my students. Wolverine has managed to annoy and offend just about everyone at my school.

I called Wolverine into my office to break the news to him.

"What's up, Chuck?" he asked, immediately falling into a fit of the giggles. The past hundred or so times he has used that inane line I have given him a loud groan in return. This time, savoring my near-euphoria at the prospect of being free of the juvenile lout, I waited politely for him to compose himself.

"Logan, I have some good news for you."

"Yeah, you just save money on your car insurance?" Again he dissolved into uncontrollable laughter.

"Why no," I started once he had stopped. "I have heard that there is a new reality show that is being made about mutants."

"Really?" he asked, his eyes immediately brightening up. In case I haven't mentioned it, Wolverine is a reality show junky.

"Actually, I understand that it is a reality game show, similar to the Amazing Race."

"No friggin' way! You ain't toyin' with me, are you bub?"

"Not at all. I've just been told all about it by my old friend, Erik Lehnsherr. He told me that he would like you to be featured on the show."
"Oh man, this is gonna be great! I am going to kick so much ass! I'm gonna be famous!"

"Very good. I'll have Storm fly you in the X-Jet to the filming location. I wish you the best of luck. You will certainly be missed here at the school, but we understand that destiny awaits you." No reason not to be diplomatic in my victory.

Without even a thank you or a backwards glance, Wolverine raced off to pack his bags. I let out a long slow sigh as the biggest smile of my life crossed my lips. "Free at last, free at last."

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I just wanted to take this opportunity to address a suggestion made by an enterprising man who has from time to time interacted with some of my students. This man is known as Deadpool.

While not technically a mutant, Deadpool has been infused with the genetic material of Wolverine, who is a mutant. The imaginative scientists of Project X did this in an attempt to recreate Wolverine's famous healing ability. Deadpool was at best a mixed success.

Now self-employed as a mercenary, he offers his not-quite unique services to eliminate certain problems. Most relevant to myself, he recently offered to help me deal, in a rather permanent fashion, with my ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert, who is making herself rather a pain in my backside.

Since this idea of freeing oneself of a bothersome individual by targeted termination has recently made headlines, thanks to Pat Robertson's spontaneous suggestion that our government assassins eliminate a certain foreign dictator, I thought this might be an ideal opportunity to address my thoughts on assassination in general.

I am absolutely positively without any shred of hesitation or reservation opposed to it. (Deadpool, give me a call.)

Monday, September 05, 2005

Having had enough of Wolverine, I decided on a drastic course. I went for a visit today with my former colleague, Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, also know as Magneto, the self-proclaimed Master of Magnetism. He is currently incarcerated in a maximum-security federal facility for the super-powered following his last failed exploit to conquer the world. I have to use my fast mental powers to "persuade" the operators of the facility that they are suppose to let me in.

"You're looking well, Erik," I told him in an effort to be sociable.

"Hello Charles, my old friend. And how are the children?"

"If you mean my X-Men, they are doing just fine. Mostly."

"I'm not sensing a problem in your utopian paradise, am I?" he asked smugly.

"First of all, I never claimed to be building a paradise. Merely a world of peace and understanding between humans and mutants."

"And you haven't finished yet? Getting sloppy, Charles."

"As you know, there are those on both sides who resist."

"You're kidding," he said with a sarcastic smile.

"Anyway, I didn't come to talk philosophy. I came to discuss Wolverine."

"Ah yes, the famous Weapon X. And how is he doing?"

"Frankly, he is annoying me to death. His petty juvenile obsessions are ludicrous."

"He is special."

"If by "special" you mean mentally retarded, then I agree with you."

"And here I thought you were an optimist," Erik said with a wink.

"Alright, let's just cut through all the charades. Here's the deal I'm offering. If you will take Wolverine off my hands, bring him into the Brotherhood, I will get you out of here."

That gave Magneto some pause. "And what if he doesn't want to join?"

"Just leave that to me," I said, brandishing my own wry smile. "Do we have a deal?"

"Why, of course, my dear friend. I am always glad to offer my assistance."

I can not describe the elation my spirit felt at the thought of finally being free of that attention seeking lug. Leaving the facility with Magneto at my side was no harder than my entering. Just one of the perks of being the world's most powerful telepath.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

I woke up again in a fog this morning, an empty bottle of chardonnay smashed against the wall. My wheelchair was tipped over and after 2 hours of strenuous labor, I managed to get it upright. No sooner had I clawed my way back into my seat when Wolverine came bursting in.

"Hey Wheels, I got a great idea!" he shouted. His voice was like a sledgehammer smashing into my hippocampus. Normally I hate it when he calls me "Wheels" but my mind racked by such a terrible hangover that I didn't even notice.

"We ought to get a camera crew here an' do another Amazing Mutant Race. We could be bigger than the Bobby Brown show!"

"What on God's green Earth are you going on about?" I moaned.

"We could do our own reality show! We'll be TV stars!"

"Logan," I said slowly, "reality TV is the very nadir of our culture. If the aliens are monitoring our television broadcasts to determine if the human race offers any value to the universe, and they happen to see the Amazing Race, then the Earth is doomed. We can absolutely positively under no circumstances have our own reality show."

"But Professor," he protested, "you wants to spread your ideas about peace and love and all that crap, right? Our TV show'd be perfect!"

"No!" I yelled, my head throbbing. "It's a stupid idea! Get out of my office!"

Sometimes I am amazed that man has enough brain power to breath. I am going to see Magneto tomorrow. I mean it this time.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Unnhh. My head is ringing. What on earth happened to me last night? The last thing I remember is telling Scott to get me a doll that looked like my ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert, so that I could attempt some Voodoo on it. Wait a minute. Before that I remember breaking out the bottle of vintage cognac that the Angel had gotten me for Christmas. And here by my computer I see an empty bottle. I couldn't have drunk the whole thing, could I? But that would explain the horrible ringing in my ears and pounding in my brain.

It would also seem to explain the rather painful sensation in my bladder. I'm trying to work the controls of my damn wheelchair but the thing won't take me to the bathroom. I can't steer! This is so frustrating. My head is all muddled. I can't focus my telepathy either. There must be some way to get rid of the pain. I do seem to recall something about the "hair of the dog." Maybe the bottle of chardonnay from my birthday.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Well that was about as annoying an experience as ever I had. I thought the judicial process was suppose to be impartial and fair? Our courts were suppose to be concerned with equity and justice for an aggrieved party? If Judge Judy is any example, the court system is about as fair as the tax system.

We arrived at the "court" (it's really a television studio in a warehouse on the westside of Manhattan) and we signed our agreement to be on the show and to be bound by whatever decision Judge Judy hands down. Confident in my position, I signed away.

In a normal court proceeding, the petitioner, in this case my ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert, would have to go first and establish her case. When Judge Judy took the bench though, she immediately began to lay into me!

"How can you possibly live with yourself letting this poor woman live in near poverty?!" the Judge yelled at me. I barely got out a sputter in response when she continued. "This beautiful estate in Westchester is yours, sir?" she shouted. All I could do was nod at the ariel photograph of the school. "And this plane is yours too?!" How she got a shot of me getting out of the X-jet I'll never know. "Obviously you've been secreting your true income and assets from your former spouse. How can you live with yourself stealing from this poor innocent woman? Did you think you were going to get sympathy coming in here in a wheelchair? Well forget it, baldy. Unfortunately the maximum arrearages I can award is $5000." Then the Judge got a wicked smile on her botoxed face. "But I am also amending your divorce judgment. From this point forward, your maintenance payments are being increased by $5000 a month."

I wanted to use my powers to melt her brain right there and then but I was just too flustered by her brutal assault. Her court officer, Burt, was just standing there laughing at me. Cyclops wheeled me out where some clod with a microphone waited for me to say something.

"That . . that woman has no idea what she's talking about! I didn't even get awife. How you thought you were going to get away with this I have no clue. You're obviously an idiot."

"But Judge Judy . . " I started to say, but she cut me off.

"I don't want to hear it. You think that just because you're in a wheel chair the world owes you chance to defend myself!" I told him.

"Puh-lease Charles," laughed Moira. "You got exactly what you deserved, you bastard!"

I couldn't take anymore. Scott wheeled me out of there. I don't even remember how we got back to the mansion. After this ordeal, I think I'm going to open the bottle of cognac that Warren got me for Christmas. I just want to block out this whole ugly episode.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

So much for my hopes that I would have some peace and quiet now that the ridiculous Race is over. I just found out that my ex-wife, Dr. Moira MacTaggert, who had filed recently for an upward modification in my support payments to her, has submitted our case to Judge Judy. The Judge has accepted our case and I have to appear tomorrow on this silly TV show.

I do, of course, have the right to refuse to have Judge Judy hear
our case. From what I've heard of her acerbic tongue, she can be
quite devestating to litigants. The advantage of appearing on the
show, however, is that in the unlikely event that I lose, the Judge
Judy show pays any damages awarded to my ex-wife, also known
as "The Shrew". Therefore there is no way that I can lose. With
that kind of arrangement, what's the worse thing that can happen?
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