Monday, October 31, 2005

There is one thing that I'd like to make perfectly clear - super-heroing is a very serious, very dangerous business. It is not something to be entered into lightly. Oh I know some people think it's very glamorous, all fast cars and fast women. They think it's just fun and games. People like Deadpool and Spider-Man don't do anything to dispel that illusion. The truth is, we put our lives on the line everyday and there's nothing funny about that.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because the school just had a visit from this new super-heroine -

This is clearly a woman who has no business trying to be a hero. I mean, look how out shape she is! And when she arrived at the door, she actually asked for candy. Can you believe that! Like she needs anymore sweets. Perhaps if I worked her out in the Danger Room 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, I could have her in some kind of decent condition to fight crime in 7 or 8 months. Maybe. But I doubt it.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Strange things are definitely afoot. Storm apparently went crazy the other day and attacked some of the mutants during Dazzler's party at the Palladium. Fortunately Gaia is on hand to investigate. I have sent some the X-Men to assist but several of the main team are off on a camping trip with Cable. Storm has been acting oddly lately. No one is sure what the cause of her strange behavior is, but clearly things are out of hand. Hopefully Gaia will be able to get to the bottom of this mystery.

As for myself, I have had a most outrageous and shocking experience today. Do you recall the mutant named Pyro? He was formerly with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. He also worked for the government briefly with the Freedom Force. He has the power to control flame, but not create flame.

Anyway, there has been a popular misperception that Pyro was once an X-Man, I suppose because that was his origin story in the X-Men 2 movie. Apparently Pyro has started a new punk music band called Smiling Baby Hitlers. Bizarre. The music magazine Rolling Stone called me a couple of weeks ago for a comment because, as I said, they thought he was once a student here.

After I explained to them that Pyro was one of the enemies that the X-Men fought on a regular basis to keep the people of the world safe, I told the reporter that I do not enjoy punk music and that even if I did, I seriously doubt I would ever listen to any group with as horrible and inappropriate a name as "Smiling Baby Hitlers." I mean, really. Can you imagine a name as totally offensive? It's simply a feeble attempt to get some media attention by being shocking, I explained.

I had thought that was that and promptly forgot about the interview until I was given an advance copy of the magazine today. The article quoted me as saying, "I . . listen to . . Smiling Baby Hitlers," and "I . . enjoy punk music . . and Smiling Baby Hitlers."

I was shocked. They took my comments completely out of context. Of course I would never listen to a band with that kind of name! I'm more than shocked, I'm outraged! How can someone claim to have any kind of journalistic integrity and then so totally misquote someone like that? I thought the fourth estate was suppose to have some sort of higher calling, some duty to the public to report the truth. I know it's just a music magazine, but my faith in the media is seriously shaken.

I just want you all to know, I would never listen to or enjoy a group with that kind of name.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I was sitting in my office this morning trying to forget the revelation I received that Storm and I had . . well . . anyway, I was sitting there nursing a tall glass of cognac when my door banged open. I had been so pre-occupied that I hadn't been scanning the house telepathically and didn't realize that anyone was back from Dazzler's party the night before. The whole house went, I think.

"Professor, we must talk, s'il vous plait," Gambit said in his thick Cajun accent as he strode up to my desk.

"What is it Remy?" I asked half-heatedly, my mind a million miles away.

"Is es these posts on your little diary, that is what."

"It's not a diary, Remy, it's a blog. Like a journal," I explained.

"Zam thing," he replied with a slight air of confusion.

"No. Women keep diaries, men keep journals. Not the same thing at all."

"Agghh! Zis is what I am talking about. Always you wiz ze jabs!"

"What you're talking about? You haven't said anything yet."

"No, not me. Everyone at ze Dazzler's party last night waz talking though. Gaia told me zat you have been zaying on your journal zat I am gay. Me! Gay!"

"Imagine that," I answered with a smirk.

"I am not gay! I love ze women! Cherchez la femme!"

"Well of course you do, Remy. No need to be defensive."

"I zee your little smirk! You don't think it's true! I can prove it to you. I'll go get Rogue and we will do it right here-"

"Now Remy! We will have none of that. This is a school, not a . . a brothel!"

"But we do it all ze time! And I've been wiz many women. Many, many women! I am wiz women all ze time! Hundreds! Thousands!"

"I think you're getting carried away, Remy."

"You can read my mind. Go ahead. You vill see all ze women in there!"

"Remy, I really don't care whether or not you're gay and I don't think anyone else does either."

"But I'm not!"

"Fine. You're not gay. Whatever."

"You don't believe me!"

"No, I don't quite frankly."

"But why on Earth not!?"

"Because I found this in your room -"

"- so tell me, where did this come from?" I asked.

"I, um, one of ze um . . kids . . drew it and . . um . ."

"Right." His face was turning a bright red. I knew I was having too much watching him squirm. It was comforting for some reason to have someone else in the hot seat for once. "Perhaps you were designing new uniforms for the team?" I offered.

"Uh . . oui! That was it! That's what that picture is. Just new uniform design!" Relief oozed out of Gambit.

"Alright, fine. You're safe again. Now please, let me get back to work."

"Alright Professor," he said uncertainly as he headed out. What a team I have. You'd think being a mutant in a world that hates and fears mutants would be enough of a struggle for anyone. Why do they insist in making things that aren't problems, into problems?

Friday, October 28, 2005

I am still reeling from the revelation yesterday that Storm and I . . that is, after Dazzler's party a few days ago we . . I . . well . .

Dazzler's having another party tonight. There's no way I'm going.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Storm has just returned in the X-Jet from her outer space mission with Gaia and the X-Hibitionists. Despite some unfortunate circumstances and some infighting amoung the team, they were very successful in destroying the Brood Queen. The strange thing, or at least one of the strange things, is that there turned out to be a second Brood Queen. Either way, they are both dead. I think that takes care of all the Brood on and around Earth. I suppose that means there will be another party at Dazzler's nightclub.

As I was about to communicate with the X-Hibitionists to congratulate them, Storm came bursting into my office. The first thing I noticed was that her long mane of white hair was partially burned off.

"Ororo, what happened to your hair?" I asked.

"It was that she-devil, the Scarlet Witch! She used some magic spell on me!"

"Wanda? But why? She's always been a friend to the X-Men. Well, the last few years anyway."

"How can you say that?! She's jealous of me! She attacked me! And that . . that . . Psylocke, she's even worse. She stabbed me!"


"With that damn energy blade of hers! If I ever see either of those witches again I'll fry them both!"

"Ororo, be reasonable. Both Wanda and-"

"How can you take their side?! After what we had together!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Our night of passion, of course," she said.

My heart started to grow cold. "Our w-what?" I asked.

"Our wonderful night of romantic bliss. You remember, after Dazzler's party at the Palladium a few days ago. Oh, there's my boot."

And as the blood drained out of my face, Storm walked over to the shelf behind my desk and took the long black leather boot that I had found next to my bed a few nights ago. As she walked out of my office, boot in hand, all I good was stare after her in silence, my mouth agape.
Fortunately my telepathic abilities have now fully returned. Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator had uncovered the source of the interference with all the telepaths on Earth - an energy wave from the mysterious Asteroid X. Cyclops and Beast accompanied Jon to the asteroid and were able to disable the wave, which turned out to be a transporter beam sending the Brood to Earth. They also, with a little help, managed to destroy the bizarre Sentinel/Brood Queen hybrid that seemed to be in charge, along with blowing up the whole asteroid. Who created this nightmare amalgam of human and alien destruction? That remains unknown.

Another powerful telepath, Gaia, has also gone on a mission to space in order to ensure that the Brood Queen that had been plaguing Manhattan was never going to be a threat again. She took the X-Jet, along with Storm, Scarlet Witch and some other X-Men, to track the Queen down. They've been having a bit of difficulty so far. You can read Gaia's blog for updates.

At first it was rather disconcerting to have lost my telepathic abilities. I am rather use to the constant background noise of people's thoughts. Being able to communicate with anyone anywhere on the planet when ever I want is also rather comforting. Being reduced to having to use a phone seemed rather barbaric.

The one welcome aspect of having a break from my power was the peace and quiet. I had forgotten what that was like and to be honest, I got use to it rather quickly. It can be rather hard to tune out the thoughts of those around me. Images from others' minds are always intruding on my thoughts.

You probably wouldn't be surprised what the X-Men think about. Whoever Wolverine is talking to, he always imagines skewering them with his claws. Nightcrawler can't help picture every woman he sees as being naked. Gambit pictures Colossus naked. I don't know why that boy bothers trying to hide it.

Hopefully Jon, Beast and Cyclops will make it back to Earth safe and sound. I also hope that Gaia and her team don't end up killing each other. In space, no one can hear you scream.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

As one of the foremost authorities on homo superior, a successful published author and a sought after public speaker, I am often asked to accept various awards. In fact, I have an entire room at the mansion that has nothing but plaques and letters of commendation and such. Most of them are strictly pro forma honoraiums and don't really have much personal meaning for me.

Recently though I was the recipient of a most unusual and interesting award. I am not sure how to even begin to describe this prize that I have received. I had best just show it to you.

I received this most amazing personalized gift for being the 100,000 visitor to the blog of Master Yoda. For those of you who don't know, and I'm sure that includes none of you, he is the head of the Jedi order, an ancient religion that is rather big in a galaxy far, far away.

I am very honored to be both the 100,000 visitor to Yoda's site and the recipient of such an astounding reward. Thank you, Master Yoda.

While I am of course very appreciative, it is apparent that Yoda, being over 700 years old, does have a bit of a vision problem. For some reason, he spelled "Charles", "James". Ah well. The picture is in my possession and will now take the central place of honor in my trophy room.

I have received several comments on the similarity in appearance between myself and Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. While I admit to seeing some vague resemblence, I hardly think that we are "twins", as some have claimed.

The largest argument against our being twins is that he was born on July 13, 2305 while I was born some three hundred and fifty years earlier. Also, Captain Picard was born in Labarre, France while I was born in the good old US of A. Clearly, out mother would have to have defied quite a few laws of physics in order to pull off having us as twins.

I really have no explanation what-so-ever for our apparent similarities. Hmm, now that I think about it though, I do seem to recall taking a summer holiday during my more adventerous youth in the wine region of France. And yes, there was quite a lovely girl that I spent a couple of weeks with. Oh, she was a vision. I can't believe I haven't thought of her in all this time. Let me see now, what was her name? Blanchard? Placard? What was it? I forget, it was so long ago. Well, I'm sure it doesn't matter.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

With the Brood Queen and her off-spring thoroughly routed, I was looking forward to a long hot bath and a night of relaxation. Unfortunately it was not to be.

The mansion was in dire need of repairs as was the headquarters of the X-Hibitionists, but everyone insisted in going out for a victory party. The Dazzler invited us all for a special show at her nightclub. I was rather exhausted after my face-to-face run in with the Brood Queen, but after I politely refused I was swarmed by a large number of X-Men who dragged me out against my will. Unfortunately my mental powers are still being dampened by a strange ray from Asteroid X, so I was unable to get them to leave me along by making them all think they were toads or some such creature.

I'm not much of a dancer anymore. Of course. But back in the day I used to be a regular Fred Astaire. I was quite the swinger. Now I don't have much use for dance clubs. None the less, they all ignored my protestations and took me to the newly re-opened, and now slightly damaged, Palladium in Manhattan where the Dazzler performs.

Despite all the bouncing, shouting crowds surrounding me, I have to admit, I didn't really have all that bad a time. Alison is really a tremendous singer. While I didn't recognize most of the music she performed, she did it magnificently.

Just about everyone was there, except for Wolverine and Nightcrawler, whom I heard Dazzler told to get lost after their boorish behavior the other night. I had sent the Beast along with Cyclops to accompany Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator to investigate the mysterious Asteroid X.

It was strange not being able to eavesdrop on everyone with my telepathy. I had to keep track of them all visually. I saw Jean Grey and the Angel dancing together quite a bit. At one point they disappeared for about half an hour. Just as well Cyclops wasn't there. Rogue and Gambit got into a bit of a fight but then she absorbed his powers and made his staff explode. That brought a round of applause from the crowd.

I must confess, I did get rather caught up in the celebrations. What with the loud music, the free-flowing alcohol and, well, the rather tone bodies in motion, I let myself go a bit. I don't know if you noticed, but some of the X-Men don't wear a lot of clothes.

When I woke up this morning I couldn't remember how I had gotten home last night. Next to my bed though was a long black leather boot. Where on Earth could that have come from?
I was extremely pleased with the successes of the three mutant teams that battled the Brood hoards in and beneath Manhattan. It seemed like all the alien monsters were vanquished. Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator, Cyclops and Beast have been dispatched to investigate the mysterious Asteroid X, the apparent source of waves that are interfering with all telepathic powers on Earth. Both Shi'Ar and Sentinel technology appear to be present there. It may well have something to do with the Brood invasion. What concerns me most though is that the Queen has not yet been found. Several hatcheries were uncovered, which means there must be a Queen somewhere nearby.

Hmm, there is a loud crashing sound coming from downstairs. I thought I was the only one here in the mansion at the moment. I suppose I should go to investigate. I will continue dictating this post into the mobile recorder.

"Out in the hall here I can hear more crashing sounds. I wish my telepathic powers were working so that I could scan the area. This blasted elevator is so slow. There are only a few floors in the school but this damn thing takes forever. Finally!

"Well, now I'm on the ground floor and this place is a disaster area. The walls are smashed, the floor is torn up. This doesn't look good. Maybe I should find a phone and try and call Deadpool or Gaia. Yes, I think that would be for the best right -"


"Oh no!! It's the Queen! She's charging at me! Without my mental powers I'm helpless. This blasted chair is so slow! She's almost on top of me!"


"Emma Frost! Where did you come from? That monster bounced right off of you!"

"I was in my room reading Dean Koontz's new Frankenstein book. All the crashing noise disturbed me so I thought I'd come and see what Wolverine was up to. Imagine my surprise to see this beastie. My telepathy doesn't seem to be working but I can still make my body diamond hard. Now then, what the hell is that thing?"

"It's a Brood Queen. I don't know wh- she's coming back for more!!"

"Stupid monster. You think once would be -"


"She bounced off you again, Emma."

"Yes, she's not very bright, Charles. She looks stunned."

"Then we don't have much time. I have to get Blink on the phone. There's one in the library. Can you keep the Queen distracted?"

"Don't worry about me, Charles. She's most singled minded."

"Good. Now to the phone. Here it is. Dialing the number. Phone is ringing. Ring, ring. Hello, Blink?"

"Professor Xavier? You've kind of caught me at a bad time. The Gen X team and I -"

"Blink! This is an emergency. This won't take long but I need you to teleport here to the school at once!"

"Okay, okay. Jeez."


"So where's the fire, Professor?"

"Thank you for coming, Blink. There's a Brood Queen out in the hallway. At the moment she's busy smashing her head against Emma Frost's diamond hard body. Can you, perhaps, teleport the Queen somewhere?"

"Sure. Where?"

"Somewhere far, far away."

"You got it. Let's just go to the hall and - holy cow! That thing is huge! And she's charging at us!"

"The for heaven sakes girl, teleport -"


" - it away from here. Oh. Good work. So, where did you send it?"

"Well, it's from outer space, right? So I sent it into outer space."

"Hmm. Very good. Thank you for you assistance."

"It looks like this place is going to need a little TLC, Professor."

"Yes, well, I'll worry about that tomorrow."

Friday, October 21, 2005

I have been able to determine the cause of the interference with both mine and Gaia's telepathic abilites. There are strange eminations from an asteroid near Jupiter, which I have named Asteroid X. Why 'X'? Because it is the first letter of my last name and therefore I name everything with it. Does that make me self-centered? I certainly don't think so. Anyway, the odd energy waves are affecting all telepaths on Earth.

Deadpool has just phoned in to tell me of the progress made by he and the team of X-Men lead by Storm. They were able to to trace the Brood warriors that had attacked Times Square back to their main hatchery. There they found a large group of very confused and gooey citizens. Once the few Brood guards had been dispatched, Deadpool and the others lead the people back up to the surface and into the arms of the emergency service workers.

What concerns me most though is the situation at the Palladium. I still haven't heard from - wait - I'm getting a call right now. It's Gaia, reporting in. I suppose I might as well feed this directly to you, since this concerns everyone on the planet.

"Professor, I just wanted to let you know that everything is OK."

"I'm glad to hear that, Gaia. I was getting worried. What's been happening?"

"We arrived at the club and found it kind of smashed up. There were yucky alien insect bodies everywhere. When I went inside with Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator and Cyclops' team, we couldn't find anybody. After searching around a bit though, we located a tunnel in the basement. It lead to big cavern. The X-Hibitionists and Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Beast were in the middle of a huge battle with hundreds of Brood warriors."

"Oh no! What happened?"

"They looked like they were pretty overwhelmed. Wolverine was in full beserker fury but he was cut up pretty bad. Dazzler was pressed against the wall, surrounded by the monsters. She was unleashing a huge amount of light energy at them but she looked exhausted. We all rushed in to help. The tide of battle started to turn and we managed to beat all the monsters."

"That is excellent news, Gaia!"

"Yeah, but we are pretty worn out. The fight lasted for hours. We're all mostly OK and I think we got all of the beasties, including their eggs."

"Very good. Is Jon still there?"

"Yeah, I'll put him on," she answered.

"Hey, Professor," I heard Jon say.

"Hello, Jon. I've been reviewing your blog and I have seen in one of your entries that you have unique powers. Powers that, because of their nature, went unnoticed by me until very recently. You have abilities that we need to save the Earth."

"Well I have saved the Earth before," he said. "I guess I can do it again."

Then I informed Jon about the Shi'ar presence on Asteroid X, along with what appears to be Sentinel technology. How that could that get to a satillite around Jupiter, I have no idea. I asked Jon to accompany Cyclops and Beast to investigate and he eagerly agreed. This kind of mission will be ideal for an intergalactic gladiator.

The other X-Men are going to continue scowering the city for any further sign of the Brood, though hopefully they have all been cleaned out. Hmm, there's some strange crashing sound downstairs. I thought I was the only one left in the mansion. I better go check it out.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I am still cut off from any telepathic contact with the teams that are in the field battling the Brood warriors that have been appearing across Manhattan. A large hatchery was discovered under the Palladium, the nightclub where the Dazzler performs and Scarlet Witch's new team, the X-Hibitionists are building their headquarters. Fortunately, Wolverine, Beast and Nightcrawler happened to be on the scene when the vicious alien monsters attacked. Unfortunately, some unknown force is blocking my telepathy and I lost contact with them, as well as with Storm and Cyclops' two teams of mutant heroes whom I sent into the city.

As soon as I lost contact with my people, I phoned Deadpool and asked him to investigate. He was quickly able to locate Storm's team. A hoard of Brood had erupted in Times Square and were attacking everything in sight. Some of the monsters were also grabbing helpless passers-by, seemingly at random.

Storm and her team, Gambit, Rogue, Jubilee and Polaris had engaged the aliens and were locked in a fierce struggle to the death. Storm was blasting the creatures with lightening she summoned from the sky but they were resistant to the electrical bolts. Three of the monsters had ganged up on Gambit, keeping him off balance and unable to effectively use his energy charging powers against them. It was all he could do to avoid their lashing claws.

Jubilee's fireworks displays were having some effect on confusing the creatures but one of them managed to sneak up behind her. A barbed claw swiped across her back, sending her sprawling into the midst of a whole pack of them. The monsters moved in for the kill on the stunned teen. Just then, Deadpool swung in from above and unleashed a hail of bullets into the Brood warriors. They quickly scattered.

Rogue and Polaris were having considerable more success. Using her awesome powers of magnetism, Polaris was able to lift automobiles and swat the Brood like bugs. Meanwhile, Rogue kept to the high ground, attacking the creatures from above. A wise man has said that the victory always goes to the one who holds the high ground, and such was the case here at least. The remaining Brood scattered into the sewer.

The X-Men followed and found the remains of a hatchery. Deadpool actually stumbled upon it after stepping into the gooey remains of an egg. He called me at that point to give me the above report. He said he would contact me again with the results of his hunt.

Meanwhile, Cyclops' team, Gaia, Colossus, Havok and Banshee had followed up a hunch. Scott had been surfing the internet when he uncovered a journal belonging to Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator. On that site, Jon had reported his own frequent combat experiences with various alien races. Scott jumped to the conclusion that Jon had somehow lead the Brood here, so he went to the Gladiator's apartment in the city to confront him.

The X-Men waited in the dark until Jon returned home. Seizing the element of surprise, Cyclops sprung on him. Jon managed to flip him over and get him into a choke hold which Scott quickly broke. Just as Scott in his fury was about to blast him, Professor Xavier stepped between the two men. Both were stunned, of course, and the fight stopped. Obviously it wasn't really me. Gaia, using her reality warping powers, dropped the illusion.

"You two have to stop this crazy fight," Gaia said.

"Hey, he started it," Jon objected.

"He probably planted the aliens here!" accused Scott.

"Oh don't be so silly," said Gaia. "I've searched his mind and Jon is one of the good guys. He doesn't know where these gross things came from. We have to work together and -"

Just then, a loud crash outside distracted them. Rushing to the window, they saw the sidewalk open up as Brood warriors spilled into the street. The team quickly leapt into battle. Colossus grabbed one of the monsters and used him to bash the others. Havok and Banshee unleashed their full powers and drove the beasts back. Cyclops, Gaia and Jon leapt down into the hole in the street and rushed to the hatchery below. They blasted everything in sight.

When the carnage was over, all the aliens were vanquished. The team was exhausted but victorious. Gaia called me on her cell phone to update me. They all rushed over to the Palladium to see how the X-Hibitionists had faired, but I haven't heard back from them yet. It has been awhile now. I sincerely hope they are alright.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Events took a very dangerous turn today.

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Beast spent last night at the Palladium, the nightclub that is also being transformed into the headquarters of the X-Hibitionists, Scarlet Witch's new super hero team. The three of them had stormed out of the school in a huff after finding out that I had their minds tampered with. I did that purely in their best interests, of course, to correct their serious personality flaws. Apparently they don't see it that way.

The day before, the X-Hibitionists had discovered a Brood hatchery under the club. They were able to defeat the monsters but everyone is naturally very concerned about where these alien creatures came from. I sent out two teams, one lead by Storm and the other by Cyclops, to scour the city for any other signs the aliens. Each team had a powerful telepath to aid in the search. Storm had Gaia and Cyclops had Jean Grey.

Back at the Palladium, Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Beast finally woke up. Their heads were ringing from all the booze they had the night before. Both Scarlet Witch and Dazzler were there. I monitored their conversation with my telepathic powers.

"How could you guys ruin my show last night!" Dazzler yelled at them.

"Meine Fraulein, I ahm sooo sorry," said Kurt. "Ve vere just so mad at de Professor. Ve meant no offense."

"And you are complicit in his sins, too," Beast said, pointing a finger at Scarlet Witch.

"That's right, darlin'," said Wolverine, his voice laced with anger. "You screwed with my mind and made me a wimp! I ain't too happy about that."

"Oh Logan, grow up," said Wanda. "You were a total insufferable boor and no one could stand you. All you did was sit around in front of the TV watching stupid reality game shows all day. It was just pathetic. Now your back to being a powerful macho warrior who doesn't take crap from anybody. You should be down on your knees thanking me."

Logan was so stunned by Wanda's dressing-down that all he could do was stand with his mouth agape.

"Can ve join your team?" asked Nightcrawler, awe in his voice.

"Um . . we actually have a full roster at the moment," Wanda replied, "and our headquarters isn't finished yet."

"Hey, I'm Wolverine!" yelled Logan. "It's in my freakin' contract that I get to be on every single mutant team out there. Good or evil! Hell, I was in both the Avengers and Defenders, too! You got to take me."

"Well, we are in a bit of a crisis at the moment," answered Wanda. "We found some alien monsters in the club a couple of days ago. We don't know if there are more. I guess you three could be auxiliary members until we resolve this."

"That would be most satisfactory, Wanda," said Beast. "Thank you."

And it was at that moment that a pack of vicious Brood warriors burst through the wood floor, surrounding the five heroes. It was also at that moment that I lost all telepathic contact with everyone. I am cut off from all three teams and have no idea what's going on. I immediately called Deadpool on the phone and asked him to investigate. I am now anxiously awaiting his report.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

When Wolverine, Nightcrawler and the Beast stormed out of the school yesterday they made their way to New York City. Apparently they somehow found out about my blog and read the postings concerning the alterations of their minds by their fellow mutants. They practically admitted that their personalities had improved, and yet they insisted on blaming me for some unknown reason. Some people just have no gratitude.

They made their way to the Palladium nightclub which, in addition to being the venue that the Dazzler headlines regularly, also serves as the secret, still under construction, headquarters for the X-Hibitionists. They spent the whole night there yesterday, dancing and boozing and hitting on the ladies and fighting with patrons - generally making asses of themselves. Wolverine kept shouting "I'm the best at what I do!" Needless to say, they were quite the nuisances.

Security tried to throw them out to the street, without much success. Every time they managed to get Nightcrawler out of the club, he would just teleport back inside. The Beast would just bound out of the bouncers' reach, and of course Wolverine just popped his claws. Security wisely kept their distance from him.

Dazzler did her best to stay professional and get through her set, but the Beast kept leaping on stage. Alison finally had to hit him with an intense light display, leaving him stunned long enough that she could get through her songs.

When Wolverine saw Hank slump to the floor, he became furious and started to rush to the stage. On his way, he banged into a rather large American Indian named T.Hawk who was fully decked out in a white jean disco suit, complete with tassels. Wolverine started to push him aside but the rather muscular disco Indian grabbed the back of his costume and tossed him across the dance floor. This triggered Logan's beserker rage. His claws sprung out with a loud 'snnikkt'.

It was at that moment that the Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver and Psylocke came downstairs into the club area. As Wolverine started to race towards the crowd, his claws swinging frantically, Wanda threw a hex bolt at him. Wolverine's feet slipped out from under him and he landed hard on his butt. He slid towards the giant Indian like an out of control bowling ball, sending dancers flying in his wake.

The Indian grabbed Logan's feet and started to spin him like a windmill. When he let go, Wolverine went sailing through the air in front of the stage. As he passed in front of the Dazzler, she hit him with a mind-numbing mutant powered light show, too. Wolverine hit the ground in a ball and couldn't move.

Meanwhile, Psylocke had run up to Nightcrawler. She was about to smack him with her energy blade when Kurt fell to his knees. "I am aht your service, meine Dame. I am yours to command." Every since Geia and Emma altered his mind to eradicate his perverted tendencies, Kurt has been rather subservient to the ladies. I suspect that was Emma's contribution to Nightcrawler's new personality.

Anyway, with the three out of control X-Men neutralized, Dazzler could finish her show and the club patrons could enjoy their night of fun. Now the question is, what do with the three of them?

Monday, October 17, 2005

After the Scarlet Witch uncovered a hatchery of Brood warriors in the basement of the X-Hibitionists yesterday, I have been deeply troubled about the aliens presence on Earth. I was deep in thought about how best to proceed when Beast, Nightcrawler and Wolverine burst into my study.

"We got a bone to pick with you, Chuck!" Logan growled at me as he charged up to my desk.

"Mein freund ess right, Herr Professor!" Nightcrawler said as he materialized in a fowl smelling cloud of black smoke over my head.

"This injustice will not stand!" Hank joined in.

"Gentlemen, what on Earth is this all about? I am dealing with a rather serious sit-"

"Can it, bub!" Wolverine spat. "We know what you been up to and we don't like it!"

"I have no idea what you are talk-"

"That's crap!" Wolverine yelled. He was more ferocious than I have seen him in weeks.

"Logan, screaming won't help whatever -"

"Professor," started Beast, "we have read your little blog. It was rather illuminating. For instance, we have become fully cognizant of your alterations of our brains."

I felt a lump growing in the pit of my stomach.

"Yah Herr Professor. Ve are most displeased about your tampering!"

I decided to try an offensive tact. "That blog is my private journal! How dare you violate-"

"That's crap!" yelled Wolverine again. "That thing is on the internet! There ain't nothin' private about it. We found out about it 'cause Deadpool was braggin' about how you linked to his blog!"

Well, that tact didn't work. Time for plan B. "Gentlemen, this is a simple misunderstanding. You are taking my comments out of context. The fact is-"

"Don't bother with prevarications," said Beast. "Now that our attention has been called to the personality changes we have undergone, we can see those changes for ourselves. Logan was a surly slob, then you had Wanda turn him into a pansy. I was a little distracted by my . . um . . minor weight problem, then you had Gaia and Emma Frost make me perfect. Then the ladies changed Kurt from a total perv into the pathetic sycophant that he is now."

"Well, then you see that these personality problems have been effectively corrected. This intervention will only help you all live happier, more productive lives."

"That's not the point Professor," Hank continued as Wolverine seethed at his side. "You have no right to meddle with our minds. That is a total invasion of our privacy!"

"Hank, you are all X-Men. Your lives are my responsibility. Your effectiveness as X-Men directly impacts the lives of your fellow teammates. Your unresolved issues were jeopardizing lives. I tried other methods to help you but nothing worked. I was forced to take drastic action, for your benefit as well as for the greater good."

"Well if the problem is that we are X-Men, then we quit!" barked Wolverine.

"Now wait a minute, you can't quit!" I called after them. "We may be on the brink of an alien invasion!"

"Tell it to Will Smith," Logan called over his shoulder as the three men left my office.

I thought about using my mental powers to erase their memories right then and there but Wolverine unfortunately is rather resistant to such tactics thanks to his Weapon X training. If I altered the others, he would just tell him. Hopefully they will just blow off some steam and come back.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I had a very alarming alert from the Scarlet Witch today. The construction crews who are renovating her team's new headquarters at the Palladium nightclub in Manhattan had uncovered a large quantity of very suspicious looking green goo. Fearing the worst, I had Sage, a rather capable member of her team who has the uncanny ability to interface with computer mainframes, enjoys total recall and can analyze her surroundings with amazing logic, investigate the substance.

She confirmed my concerns. It is a Brood hatchery.

You may have heard about this hostile powerful alien species. They are particularly viscous warriors who the X-Men have faced on several occasions. From the size of the remains, it appears they were three eggs, meaning three hatched Brood fighters. I have no idea why they are in New York, but it can't be good.

I also realize that Scarlet Witch's team, the X-Hibitionists, haven't had time to train together as a group, but all the members do have a great deal of experience and have worked together in the past in various combinations. Unfortunately, Angel was away from the base furniture shopping and Dazzler was doing press on Larry King live. That left only the Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Sage and Iceman at the scene.

Using her particular powers, Sage was able to deduce where the Brood hatchlings had gone to hide - an isolated boarded up room in the musty basement. Wanda took charge of the situation. She had Psylocke use her psionic energy knife to smash through the barricade into the abandoned room. The Brood hatchlings charged out at the heroes, fangs bared and claws out.

Iceman threw up a quick barricade of solid ice which two of the creatures smashed into. Quicksilver charged at the other one at very fast speed. The creature lunged forward at him but Pietro spun on his heels and ducked out of the way at the last moment, easily dodging the creature whose momentum sent him flying into a wall.

The two Iceman had stopped scrambled over his barrier. Scarlet Witch fired a hex bolt at one, causing the dangerous creature to improbably spin out of control and smash into his brother. Iceman encased them both in a thick slab of ice. Psylocke blasted the third into unconsciousness.
Wanda called SHIELD and a team arrived quickly to take possession of the aliens.

All in all, the X-Hibitionists did an outstanding job though short-handed and with very little preparation. I am still worried about just where those eggs came from. Clearly this bears more investigation.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Now that things are a little more quiet here at the school, I have some time to discuss something rather serious that has been weighing on my mind for the last few days. Fox has cancelled The Simple Life.

Now I realize that there are mixed feelings out there about the place that this show occupies in American culture, but from my point of view, this may just be the most important program that has ever aired on television.

The plot is simple. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, two incredibly wealthy heiresses who are sort of friends and are attractive in that "if the light hits them right" kind of way, travel around the rural backroads of America and are forced to interact with the common working class man. Spoiled rich girls who have never done an honest days work in their entire lives are forced to wait tables in a diner and stick their hands in the rear ends of cows.

Now, what makes that so vital to America? Simple. The USA is an idealistic society. One of her fundamental principles has always been that all men are created equal. This, of course, is simply not true. And yet by accepting this fiction, people are more content with their lot in life, even though the vast majority will never rise to a station where they have an impact on history or ever become free of the burden of money. We are bombarded with rags to riches stories that reinforce this fiction. In addition to buying into these types of fantastic fables, our culture
also takes great pleasure in humiliating or tearing down the wealthy. If we are unable to become them, then we want to believe that we wouldn't want to be them.

Paris Hilton is the ultimate catharsis for the majority of Americans who are stuck in the station they were born to. We can all look at her and see what a slutty imbecile she is. We can look down on her and ridicule her even though she is part of the incredibly wealthy elite. By tearing her down, we thereby feel better about ourselves and our lives.

That's why The Simple Life is vital to the stability of America. Without it, we may well be facing another mass uprising. A rebellion such as the British faced back in 1776. I sincerely hope, for the good of our nation, that another network picks up this show and that it runs for many, many years, even if Paris and Nicole do despise each other.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Well I certainly just got an ear full. As you may know, I have been helping the Scarlet Witch put together a new team of powerful mutants. In addition to her and her brother Quicksilver, the new team consists of some very experienced and powerful former X-Men - Angel, Iceman, Psylocke, Quicksilver and Sage. The team has secured an interesting headquarters - the former disco club Palladium on Manhattan's lower east side. And the Dazzler, who performs regularly at the club, has joined the team. The ear full I received was from Storm, who just a few moments ago had burst into my office.

"What cheap underhanded trick are you trying to pull?!" she screamed as she threw my office doors open with a powerful gust of localized wind.

"My dear, Ororo, whatever do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"You know very well what I mean, and your pathetic schemes won't work!" Storm yelled.

"I really have no idea what you are talking about," I insisted.

"Fine. Have it your way. Sit in your ivory tower and play your sad little games."

"Ororo, please. I'm not-"

"You don't want me as the X-Men team leader so your are stealing away all the X-Men! Did you think I wouldn't find out about this new team?! How many more teams are you forming?! How many X-Men will be left when you are done raping me!?"

"Storm! That is totally inappropriate! I am not-"

"Spare me your lies! Just so you know - I am on to you. And if ever your little "X-Hibitionists" get in my way, I will barb-e-que all of them!"

And with that, she stormed out. Her blitzkrieg left me sitting in stunned silence for several minutes. A friend of mine, who may just also be a distant cousin, Jean-Luc, suggested that there might be some rivalries between the two teams and it looks like he was right. Perhaps he might be a telepathic mutant. It does run in the family.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

In addition to all my regular responsibilities in operating my School for Gifted Students in Westchester, NY, I have also been helping the Scarlet Witch put together a new team of mutants. The most important step, choosing a name, has been accomplished. They are the X-Hibitionists. The second step, building a well balanced roster has also been done. We have the Scarlet Witch for team leader, Psylocke for power, Sage for brains, Angel for eye-candy for the ladies, Quicksilver for emotional support and Iceman for comic relief. The next step is establishing a base of operations.

Choosing the right kind of headquarters is very important. It says a lot about your team. If you opt for a mansion like the X-Men or the Avengers, then you are saying your team is stately, well-defined, powerful and rich. If chose something like Dr. Strange's brownstone in Greenwich village which the Defenders currently use, then you are making a statement that you are eclectic or bohemian. Or if you go for an isolated mountain retreat on the far side of the world like the Inhumans, then you are saying that you are apart, separate and perhaps superior to mankind. Hmm, perhaps that would be appropriate for a mutant team. Well, it wouldn't fit a group like the X-Hibitionists at all.

I had Beast and Forge start working on designs for a brand new, built from scratch base for Wanda while I looked for some large vacant lot of land. I couldn't believe what my search turned up. Do you have any idea what has happened to real estate prices around New York? They've practically tripled! It's utter madness. It is not a buyer's market.

Fortunately the wondrous Alison Blair, also known as the Dazzler, came up with a wonderful suggestion. Since her return from the Mojoverse recently, Alison has begun singing in nightclubs again. After a brief tour around the country, including a live-telecast on the Oxygen network from Las Vegas, she managed to secure a regular gig at the newly re-opened Palladium disco on 14th Street in Manhattan. Alison was kind enough to introduce me to the owner of the club who thought hosting a super-hero headquarters would be a wonderful promotional opportunity for his new endeavor. The owner is a rather eccentric character named Dollar Bill. Apparently he used to be a manager for the Defenders in their earlier years.

Our agreement calls for some major reconstruction of the building, re-enforcing the walls and foundation, adding advanced computer systems and defenses as well as all the other bells and whistles that a modern super-hero team deserves. The main disco room will still be open for the Dazzler's regular performances but the rest of the club is off-limits to the public. Dazzler is of course now an honorary member of the X-Hibitionists.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Now that the latest and greatest mutant super-hero team, the X-Hibitionists, have been formed, we must find a suitable homebase of operations for them. While the team leader, the Scarlet Witch, did raise some questions as to the appropriateness, or perhaps tastefulness, of the name, I am fully confident that the team will come to appreciate it in the fullness of time.

The most straightforward way to establish a headquarters is of course to take over a pre-existing one, preferably one that is not presently occupied. I contacted Esther Rosenberg, real estate agent to the super-hero set, and was told that there are several abandoned bases currently on the market that might do.

One is the former headquarters of the Defenders in Nassau county. Now that the Defenders are back working out of Dr. Strange's brownstone in downtown Manhattan, the stables belonging to Kyle Richmond are going to waste. I sent Angel, a former Defender himself, to investigate the property but unfortunately Aragon, the winged horse belonging to Valkyrie, has been left to his own devices the last few years and has really torn the place apart. The whole property just reeks of dung. Obviously, this would not do.

The next property Ms. Rosenberg told me about was an abandoned Hudson River pier on Manhattan's lower west side. The old wood structure formerly belonged to one Doctor Octopus. The real estate agent told me it was being offered as a "fixer-upper." Blink was kind enough to teleport there to do an inspection. Most of the windows had been smashed in, there were giant holes in the walls and rubble everywhere, not to mention half-dissolved spider webbing scattered throughout. It was just too much work. Not to mention that Doc Ock is apparently at large again. Who knows if he'd want to come back to his old stomping grounds.

The third piece that the agent had to tell me about was a sub-let. Apparently the Hell Fire Club has been hurting financially after all their run-ins with the X-Men over the years . They own a rather swanky property in mid-town and were looking to rent out the bottom two floors, for the right price. A friend of mine, Jean-Luc Picard, had recently suggested that the X-Hibitionists might feel at home in a nightclub setting. I decided to give the owner of the Club, Sebastian Shaw, a call, to see if perhaps we could strike a deal without involving the real estate agent. When he heard it was me on the phone though, he screamed "Drop dead!" and promptly hung up. The man can certainly hold a grudge.

Those were the only pieces that Ms. Rosenberg had to offer me at the moment. As none of them were really suitable, I think we are going to have to build from the ground up. It's probably better that way. We can be sure to get all the bells and whistles that we want. I'll see if Beast and Forge can whip up some blueprint designs.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Recently I was approached by the Scarlet Witch to assist her and her brother, Quicksilver, in forming a new super-team. Apparently things have gotten a little tenuous up in the Savage Land, what with her father breaking out of jail, trying to destroy the world, being put back into jail and then being broken out again. Since I do have a lot of experience in putting together teams, not to mention quite a few students here at the school looking for something to do with their spare time, I was more than glad to agree.

The most important part of a new super-hero team is of course the name. Rule number one in the formation of a mutant group is that the name start with the letter 'X'. Why this is, I have no idea, but who am I to argue with rules.

It would be best to have the name flow organically from the make-up of the membership. However, since just about all the cool words in the English language that start with an X have been used by the literally ga-zillion mutant teams that have been started over the years, we don't have that luxury here. In fact, after an extensive google search, the only word I could find that is left is "X-Hibitionists."

With that in mind, I have chosen among the available students in my school who would best fit such an austere title. Accordingly, the X-Hibitionists consist of the following: Scarlet Witch (team leader), Quicksilver, Psylocke, Sage, Angel and Iceman. Why Iceman, you ask? He went through a long period where his uniform consisted of a pair of tiddy-whities dyed blue. He was rather disturbing to be around when he wasn't iced-up. Recently he started wearing this "uniform" again.

Tomorrow I will work on finding a suitable base of operations for the new team.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Last night Deadpool tried to "close the deal" with Storm. She had been so grateful by his saving her life during Magneto's prison break that she developed an infatuation with him. After their candlelit dinner, Deadpool suggested they take a relaxing soak in the hot tub. It would ease their muscles after the stress of the mission, he told her. My curiosity piqued, I couldn't help but eavesdrop telepathically.

"Holy Cracker Jacks!" Deadpool exclaimed as Storm walked out into the moonlight, dressed in her shiny white one piece swimsuit.

"Do you like, my savior?" she asked, twirling around so that he could admire the Brazilian cut of her suit.

"Hubba Bubba!!" he shouted enthusiastically. "You are hotter than an I-Pod in a 42nd Street pawn shop!"

Storm smiled appreciatively. As she walked towards the hot tub, she paused to ask, "Wade, why do you still have your mask on?"

Deadpool stood silently for a moment, dressed only in his red Speedos and full face mask. "Well, baby, it's like this. I'm really enjoying hanging out with you and everything and I hope you feel the same about me." Storm smiled and nodded. "As far as my mask goes, well, let me put it this way. Did you ever see Night of the Living Dead?"

"What are you saying?" Storm asked, alarm rising in her voice.

"I guess if I'm going to score tonight, you're going to have to find out sooner or later. Here goes - Tadaa!" he said, as he yanked his mask off. Storm's face fell in a strange mixture of horror and disgust.

"What the hell happened to you!?" she exclaimed.

"It's kind of long story. It involves a Schipperke, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a rusty lawn mower. Just so you know, all my bodily functions work just fine, if you know what I'm saying."

"I . . I'm sorry Wade. I, um, just remembered that I have a, um, special class that I have to, um, prepare. Thanks for saving my life and all. Bye." And with that Storm whipped around and practically ran back into the mansion. Any feelings of gratitude she had were completely dissolved by her revulsion. Storm can be surprisingly shallow.

Poor Deadpool stood there in his Speedo feeling rather blue. He pulled his mask back on and decided to go back into the school to see if he could find another bottle of Jack Daniels. Just then Alison Blaire, also known as the beautiful Dazzler, came out for a late night soak. She's in town on hiatus from an independent film project she's working on, "The Paris Hilton Story."

Deadpool stood and stared as she walked past him towards the hot tub, her long bouncy blond hair cascading over her bare shoulders, her curvaceous body packed tightly into a skimpy white bikini.

"Hi!" she said, in her usual friendly and inviting voice.

"Hey," Deadpool said in awe as she walked by. As she climbed into the tub, he asked, "Say, um, did you ever see Night of the Living Dead?"

"Are you kidding, that's my favorite movie!" she beamed.

And with a wild "Wahoo!", Deadpool did a cannonball into the hot tub.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

My, my, things certainly have taken an interesting turn. Since the two teams returned from breaking Magneto and his lieutenants out of the federal detention center in Virginia, events have unfolded in a way that I did not expect.

I had assumed that when Storm found out I had sent a second team without telling her, she would have thrown an unholy fit. She does have a tendency to get easily riled. Instead, she has been almost inseparable from Deadpool, who returned to the mansion with the others.

Deadpool had been part of the second team that Cyclops led. When Storm was accidentally locked into a room with the villainous Venom, it was Deadpool who charged ahead and rescued her from certain death. She has understandably been extremely grateful. Storm have him a tour of the school grounds, they have had two meals together and they spent hours talking with each other. I suppose what surprises me most about this is the stark differences in their personalities.

Wade Wilson is a rather outgoing type of person. He has a tremendous exuberance and a rather sarcastic, almost inane, sense of humor. He seems to be constantly on and, quite frankly, some of the other residents here are a little disturbed by him. He is after all a professional killer.

Storm on the other hand can be rather straight-laced and humorless. I have been eavesdropping on their conversations telepathically and she seems rather smitten with Deadpool. For himself, Deadpool seems to be in a chronic state of arousal and remains primarily focused on how he can "close the deal", so to speak. Reading his mind, I can see that he plans to make his move later tonight by maneuvering Ororo into the hot tub. We'll have to see what happens.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Well, things didn't go quite as I planned with Magneto's rescue today, but then, when do they ever? Storm, Juggernaut, Gambit and Bishop arrived at the federal detention center especially designed to hold super-powered criminals. This is where Magneto, Mystique and Mastermind have been held since the X-Men captured them last week. Why were we now trying to break them out? Don't ask.

Storm has been causing me no end of trouble lately, what with her power-play against Cyclops to take over the X-Men and her shake-down with Jesse Jackson to gain ownership rights in the school and the assorted intellectual property. Unbeknownst to her, I sent a second team along as well. Cyclops, seething with pent up resentment, was glad to do it. He took Wolverine, Deadpool and Emma Frost with him. A crew that would be open to anything.

Not caring much for Juggernaut, Storm decided to have him execute a frontal assault. She told him he would be a distraction for the real rescue team. The fact is, he would act as kind of human shield, drawing all the soldiers and their fire. My step-brother can take it. And even if he can't, that's just one less Christmas card I'd have to send out.

As Juggernaut smashed through the outer steel fences, setting off all sorts of wild alarms, Storm, Gambit and Bishop rode in low on the wind over the far side. While Juggernaut tossed around some Jeeps in the main courtyard, Storm called down lightening bolts and fried the base power generator on the roof. Gambit blasted open the sealed doors and they entered. It was then that Cyclops' team arrived.

Armed soldiers rushed into the courtyard and took up firing positions around the perimeter. The rapid shots from their semi-automatic rifles merely bounced off Juggernaut. He is nearly indestructible.

Emma Frost, the former White Queen, followed Storm telepathically into the base. Bishop grabbed one of the guards and was able to find out just where the evil mutants were being held. Resistance was rather light as all the guards were flooding outside to try and stop Juggernaut. Storm's team soon arrived at Magneto's cell.

"Ahh, Ororo Monroe, thank you for your timely assistance," Magneto said calmly after she had blown his cell door in. "Charles told me you were coming."

"Good. Then let's get out of here," she replied.

"First, my lieutenants," he insisted. "They are in the neighboring cells."

They split up. Storm went to the cell Magneto pointed to, and Gambit and Bishop took the other two. As Storm entered the chamber, Cyclops rushed up behind her and slammed the door shut. Venom rose up from the cot he had been lying on.

"Well, well, what a tasty looking morsel," Venom said in his freaky demon growl, his wild 12 inch tongue wagging madly about. Storm shrieked. I really hadn't meant to put her into harms way like that. I was hoping she might get locked up in an empty cell and then I could "renegotiate" our deal in exchange for her rescue.

Venom leapt at her, long spidery tendrils of black ooze reaching out for her. Storm conjured some wind to try and push him back but she was soon encircled by his powerful tendrils. She screamed again as he started choking the life out of her.

Emma let Scott know what was going on. Cyclops stood there, plagued by indecision. Storm had taken his place as leader and he wanted it back, but not at the cost of her life. His hesitation just proved why he really isn't fit to lead a combat team.

Deadpool took the initiative. He used his teleportation unit to materialize into the cell. Brave but foolish. Venom is very tough. Wade didn't care. He jumped on Venom's back and hooked an arm around his neck. His other hand held a 45 which he promptly unloaded into Venom's head. Now, Venom is largely impervious to bullets. However, at such close range, the shear force of impact sent him reeling. The discharge is also incredibly loud and sound is Venom's one weakness. He was momentarily stunned. Deadpool scooped the still shaken Storm in his arms and ran to the door. Gambit blasted it open and Deadpool ran out with his charge. Magneto used his power to block the cell door tightly with debris. The group made their way back to the roof and off the base. When Juggernaut had finished playing with the soldiers, he left the base, too. Thanks to Mastermind's power to create illusions, the soldiers had no idea which way he went.

As I said, things didn't go quite as I planned, but at least the rescue worked. That's one less thing hanging over my head.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Yesterday my step-brother, the powerhouse known as Juggernaut, paid a call to the school. He blackmailed me into launching a rescue operation to bust my old friend, Magneto, out of the federal detention center I just had him placed in. I don't mind telling you, I'm getting tired of all the shake-downs people are running on me. First Storm extorts partial ownership in the school and a piece of the X-Men licensing and now this. Hmm. Just maybe I can use this as an opportunity to solve both problems.

"Yes Professor?" Storm asked as she responded to my mental summons. "Is this about Juggernaut?"

"Indeed, Ororo," I told her. "I want you to take a team and accompany him to the holding center where Magneto and the other Brotherhood mutants are being held. You are to assist in their liberation."

"What? That's ridiculous! We just stopped Magneto from starting a nuclear war a few da
ys ago, remember?"

"I am well aware Storm. You will have to trust me that this rescue is vital to our interests. If you aren't prepared to accept assignments, then perhaps you aren't the right person to lead the team."

"Don't you dare!" she said, her voice full of menace. "I have Jesse Jackson on speed-dial."

"Fine. You're the leader. Now lead."

"Fine, we'll depart tonight," she replied.

With that done, I summoned Cyclops to my office. He was sulky, as usual.

"What is it now Professor? You want to demote me to team cook? Put me in charge of Turtle Waxing Colossus?"

"Now Scott, don't be like that. Storm simply has us at a momentary disadvantage. One I think you might just be able to do something about."

"Oh yeah? How?" I could hear the curiosity rising in his voice.

"She's taking a team to rescue Magneto and friends from the detention center in Virginia. I want you to take a second team, a cover team, a team she doesn't know about, down there also. You'll have Wolverine, Deadpool and Emma Frost."

"Umm, but Professor, those are all sort of, well, sociopaths."

"Exactly. You will receive further instructions telepathically once you are in place. Now get going!"

Yes, this might just work out quite well after all.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

We had a rather unexpected visitor at the School today. Things had pretty much fallen back to their normal routine after all the recent excitement and personality corrections. Nightcrawler has been following the female students around, asking if there are any tasks he can perform for them. Consequently he's spent most of his day mopping the girls' rooms and doing their laundry. Ever since Gaia and Emma worked their magic on him, he has stopped his peeping ways, much to my relief. I certainly owe those ladies a real debt.

Anyway, I was in the middle of teaching my 3 pm Applied Evolution (aka, How to be a Super-hero) course when a loud crashing sound filled the mansion. I immediately did a mental sweep of the grounds but I sensed no one unusual. I quickly wheeled out in the main foyer and there, covered in dust and broken stone and splintered wood, stood my step-brother, Cain Marko, the unstoppable Juggernaut. His battle helmet prevents my mental powers from reaching his mind.

"Hiya, Chaz," he said as Wolverine, Colossus and Cyclops came running up.

Wolverine stopped dead in his tracks. "Oh, Juggernaut. I, um, have a kettle on. Gotta run." And with that, the once fierce Wolverine ran at top speed towards the kitchen. He's not quite the girly-boy the Scarlet Witch turned him into since he came back from Deadpool's, but he still has quite a bit to go before he'll be reliably useful again.

"Well Professor," started Scott, his voice full of insinuation. "I see we have a crisis for the X-Men. I'll go get Storm, since she's the team leader." And Scott walked off in a huff towards the biology classroom where Ororo was teaching.

Colossus came and stood by my side, transforming into his metallic state as he walked. At least I can count on him.

"What do you want, Cain?" I asked.

"It's like this bro'," he said. "It's your fault Magneto and the others got pinched. Things is getting kinda crazy in the Savage Land without any o' the leadership. I figure you got to help me bust 'em out."

"Now Cain, the X-Men captured Magneto. Why on Earth would we help release him?"

"'Cause you freed him just a couple of weeks ago."

"Oh, umm, well, that was a special circumstance," I answered, a little taken aback.

"Yeah, you wanted him to take the runt off your hands. The Blob misses his foot massages, by the way. It's like this bro', Magneto taped a full confession as to how you rescued him by messin' with the guards minds. Mystique also stole video tape from the installation showin' the guards actin' all weird. They said that was 'co-robbery-nation' or somethin' like that. So, either you get the X-Men to help me bust 'em all out, or the tape goes out to the news. Your choice."

I sat there dumbfounded for a minute. Juggernaut is not what you'd call an intellectual. Obviously he didn't think of this plan himself. His is the one mind I can't read though, so I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. Sigh.

"Alright, fine. I hope you're proud of yourself, blackmailing your own family," I told him. He just smiled. Like I really expected him to feel guilty about anything. The man is totally pathological. Oh well, maybe it will give me a chance to toughen up Wolverine some more.
Apparently Mastermind managed to hack into the internet from the federal detention center he is currently housed in and took down the servers for this computer system yesterday. Anyway, everything seems to be back online now. Hopefully there won't be any long term effects.

Things are starting to get back to normal around here since Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow/PUSH coalition ended their siege. Of course, I had to pay an exorbitant amount of extortion to get them to leave me alone. I am in contact with those in the legal community to see what my options are.

The other piece of good news is the change in Nightcrawler. As you may recall, Kurt has a bit of problem when it comes to controlling his baser impulses regarding the young ladies here at the mansion. He actually spent a couple of weeks in the local jail because of it. Gaia and Emma managed to set aside their differences and work together to help "fix" Kurt's personality. I just had a little chat him in my office.

"Guten tag, herr Professor," he said. The first thing I noticed was his rather affable and confident smile. Normally he's a bit of a shadowy lurker.

"Hello Kurt, thanks for coming. How are you feeling?"

"Oh, I am moztly recovered from zee beating zee girls gave me zee other day," he said with a knowing wink.

"And, um, how do you feel about the girls?" I asked.

"I zertainly understand vhy zhey did it," he answered. "I have no malice to zhem."

"Well, that's very good. But I mean, how do you feel about them?"

"I don't know vhat you mean, herr Professor?"

"What I mean is, are we going to have any, um, repeats of the behavior that lead to you arrest?"

"Heavens no, Professor! I have only zee greatest respect for zee vomen, young or old. I vould never do anything to offend zee ladies. Zhey, after all, are zee superior gender. Zhey are zee masters and I zee slave. I live only to serve zee ladies and vill obey zheir commands in all things."

"Oh, I see," was all I could say.

"Vomen are perfect. Zhey deserve only our meager adoration and praise. I vould never act in any way zhat could displease zhem. I am a nothing before them."

The thing that I found most surprising about his self-abasing statements was that he said them with such a confident, serene voice. Like he was happy to be a subordinate, a "slave" to all women. He took satisfaction that he was an inferior to them. Spooky.

Gaia and Emma certainly did an impressive job with Kurt. I don't see him doing any peeping on the girls anytime soon. Thank you, ladies.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Day 3: The Siege of Xavier's School for Gifted Students. Jesse Jackson and his coalition remain firmly encamped outside the gates of the school. They spent the day chanting, orating and giving interviews to the press. In fact, the whole thing is like one long press conference. Jackson is calling for boycotts and sanctions against the school because he seems to think we are repressing Storm because she's black. It's all ridiculous but I can't risk doing anything with all the media out there. And to make it worse, Storm was just out there making her own speech. I had the pleasure of watching it televised live on CNN.

"I was born in mother Africa, a child forsaken to poverty," she told the crowd. Many listeners shook their head in sympathy and said things like "Testify!" and "Preach on sister."

"And yet I was happy there in the birth place of civilization. I was an African Queen, respected among my people. And then the white man came along." There were actually hisses from the crowd at that!

"Charles Xavier. He came and took me from my home. He brought me to this place so that he could use me - to promote his own agenda." The audience started booing! I heard people say "slavery".

"And what does he give me in return?" Storm asked.

"I'll bet it's nothin'!" someone shouted.

"Am I rewarded for risking my life for his ends? Do I share in the ownership of what I create? Does he give any respect to the black nation? What do you think my brothers and sisters?" At that the crowd started booing louder.

"That's right. Nothing. Nothing! Not even the crumbs from Master's table!" The crowd was going absolutely wild at that point.

I reached out to Storm telepathically and asked her what this insanity was all about. What did she want?

"Weren't you listening?" I heard her think. "I want partial ownership of the school and of all merchandising rights." My heart skipped a beat.

"Storm, that's just not feasible. You know I have-"

"Then my good friend and savior Jesse and I shall set up a permanent camp here in front of the gates. Everyday we shall let the world know the truth about you and your plantation."

"The truth! This - this is blackmail!"

"Call it what you will but I shall have what I deserve, partner."

I sat there stunned for a moment, unable to come up with a response. "Oh, and Charles? Jesse gets a 15% agency fee."

Reluctantly I agreed to her terms. No sooner had I told her than Jesse announced that I had seen the error of my ways and had instituted dynamic new restitution policies to amend for all my years of bigotry and racism. He was now giving me his seal of approval as an African-American friendly business and he was calling for an end of the boycott. In just a few minutes his entire operation had packed up and was leaving. What a horrible, horrible experience.

Monday, October 03, 2005

I can't even hear myself think. Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow/PUSH coalition have set up camp outside the gates of the school. Every news media outlet in the country is here video taping the show. There is even a helicopter flying over the school. It's like we have been invaded by an army. I feel underseige! It's driving me crazy!

Oh no, I can hear them chanting outside right now.

"Repression! Suppression! Let Storm fly!
Repression! Suppression! Let Storm fly!"

And now Jackson is starting to make another speech! Doesn't that man ever get tired? He's like a terminator.

"Let me tell you a story. It will make you worry. It's about a man, a white man, who started a school. Who could go to his school? Only special people. People he deemed worthy. I ask you my friends, is that fair?
Is that right? And yet can we be surprised? This is how the white man has always treated the black man. He builds his restricted schools. He puts high walls around them. Why? Just so he can put the black man down. And when the white man finally bends down to accept one black person what does he do? He keeps her down. These so called X-Men have condescended to take in a sister, the mighty Storm. Why? So she can do their laundry. So she can do their floors. This is wrong! This is an injustice! They made their favorite white son the leader of the team because they are afraid of the power of the black man! Let Storm free! Let Storm fly! Let Storm fly!"

And now the crowd is chanting again! I can't stand it! What are they even talking about? Storm is the team leader! I wish I could just alter Jackson's mind with my powers and get him to leave but he has all these cameras on him. If they don't stop soon, I'm going to send Wolverine out there. Why won't they leave?!?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

So much for my hopes of having a little peace in the school now that Magneto is safely on his way back to prison and Nightcrawler's sexually harassing behavior is (hopefully) going to be cured by Gaia and Emma. As I'm sure you have all heard on the cable news channels by now, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has launched a campaign against the X-Men, the Xavier School for Gifted Students and me.

Apparently Storm contacted the Reverend Jackson following the recent tensions over the leadership of the X-Men. She has this ridiculous idea that Scott and perhaps myself are involved in some sort of racist conspiracy to suppress her just because she's black. Preposterous. If I had known the extent to which she would go in contacting Jesse Jackson, I would have altered her memory, or perhaps have the Scarlet Witch or Gaia try and alter her personality. Now the news is all over the country. It's simply too late.

Jackson is calling for a boycott against the X-Men. He doesn't want us involved in any kind of emergencies. He says all law enforcement agencies needing super-hero assistance should call the Avengers, the Fantastic Four or the Defenders. This could be devastating to my plans. If we don't do heroic deeds, how are we going to win public sympathy for mutants? How on earth can I resolve this crisis?

Oh no! Now Kayne West is on Fox News saying "Professor Xavier doesn't care about black people!" And the Reverend Al Sharpton is standing next to him nodding! Uggh. I've got to go and figure out what I'm going to do.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

My X-Men were ultimately successful yesterday in stopping Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants in their nefarious plan to blackmail the world. The Creech Air Force base in Indian Springs, Nevada and its stock pile of 100 nuclear missiles are safely back in the hands of the US military. Despite their eventual victory, the operation did not go as smoothly as it could have. I called the leaders of the two teams, Cyclops and Storm, into my office to discuss ways to improve team performance. Scott arrived first.

"Professor, you have got to talk to Ororo," he said with his usual whinny tone. "My team arrived to assist her with the assault on the command center and she sent us away! She's incompetent!"

"How dare you?!" Storm answered, sweeping into the room with a strong gust of wind. "It was your deviousness that nearly derailed our entire operation!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Scott yelled. "It was my team that got you out of the jet you were trapped in!"

"It was your friend, Warren Worthington the Third, who intentionally trapped us in the plane just to make you look good!" she accused.

"What?! That's crazy!" he shot back.

"Hardly! You and he were on the original X-Men team, back when membership was, shall we say exclusive. Everyone knows how you people stick together. It's all part of the white repressive conspiracy to keep the proud black nation down!"

For once, Cyclops was left thankfully speechless. I was also rather stunned, but not to the point of muteness.

"Now Storm, I can assure you that there is no consp-"

"Oh please, Professor!" she spat. "How could I possibly expect someone of your racial background to understand the truth. You sit here in your ivory tower, naive in your assumptions about the truth behind the white man's motivations."

"Come now Storm. I can read minds. I would know if Scott and Warren-"

"You hear what you want to hear. I will not allow the white man or their puppets to enslave me. From now on, I am the sole leader of the X-Men. Your boy Scott will obey my commands."

"Now wait just a damn minute!" Scott yelled. His face had turned a dreadful shade of red. I could see that he was about to let fly with an emotional outburst, which would of course do nothing to resolve this situation.

"Scott, Ororo does have one point," I told him. "One the issues I wanted to address was ensuring future efficiency on the battlefield by resolving the question of team leader. From now on, Storm will be the sole leader of the X-Men. She may designate second unit leaders but she is the ultimate authority in the field."

I could see Scott was about to explode. He left me no choice. Using my mental powers, I again rearranged his mind, erasing the memories of his desire to be leader and his dissatisfaction with Ororo as his commander. As his face returned to its normal pale color, a broad grin broke out on Storm's face.

"Then all is as it should be, Professor," she said. And with a flip of her cape she turned and left.

Well, there is peace in the house now. Of a kind anyway. Hopefully this issue of team leadership will now be laid to rest and the team can focus on its real work.
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