Thursday, April 26, 2007

"Now look Mephisto, the X-Men beat you fair and square." I cocked an eyebrow and hoped the Dark One could not see my nervousness.

"HA!" he thundered. "Do you really think your pitiful band of misfits could beat me, the ruler of Hell, in my own domain? Please, don't insult my intelligence. I let you leave."

"Well that's not how I remember it. We beat your demons and we beat you. We rescued Laura from your clutches." That last bit didn't quite come out like I intended. I wanted to sound authoritative. Instead it sounded more like a question.

"You are naive, mortal. I let you leave with your little girl. And that pompous old Master of Magnetism."

"Oh. I didn't realize you had noticed that bit."

"There is nothing that happens in my realm of which I am not aware."

"Well . . you can't have Laura back," I said in my most commanding voice. "She is under our protection."

"As if that would mean anything to me. You obviously do not know with whom you deal, mortal. I am Mephisto, Lord of Hell."

"Actually, I did know that."

"The girl's soul was mine. You attempted to steal her from me. You took her from Hell without my permission. Therefore, you owe me a soul."

"What? Is that your game? Well forget it. I'm not giving you anyone."

"You have no choice Xavier. You and your team have created an imbalance in the natural order. The only way to correct it is to fill the vacancy. There shall be no peace in your world until a soul is provided."

"I'm not going to help you. I mean if you want take Magneto back, I think he's down in the kitchen now. You're welcome to him."

"Forget it. He's one of the Masters of Evil. He's already mine. It's only a matter of time. I need a hero."

"Well . . you can't have an X-Men. They are my children. Even Wolverine-"

"Ha! Now you're just being stupid. With his body count? He's already mine. It's only a matter of time."

Ouch. "Be that as it may. They are all heroes. Why Nightcrawler just-"

"Come on. He's a Peeping Tom. A pervert. He's already damned."

"Well if you want me, forget it. I-"

"Ha ha! You are an egotistical, condescending, power mad lush who's convenient moral code is quickly pushed aside whenever it suits your will. You are already mine, too."

My heart sank at that bit of information. Was he just toying with me? Lying to me? After all, I'm not a lush.

After an uncomfortably long silence, I finally asked, "So what is it you do want?"

"Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator."


"I know that you are about to leave for the planet Hacknor for his little contest. You will go there, corrupt his soul and bring him to me."

"That's insane! Forget it!"

"You have no choice, Xavier. You and your X-Men are mine. If you do not bring me the Gladiator, then I will claim all of you now."

"B-but . . Jon isn't a mutant. Why me?"

"Because you are the most convenient tool. His is a pure soul. A true hero. He fights for righteousness. His soul is worth more to me than all of you X-Men combined. Bring me his soul and you are all free."

"Never!" I shouted, but Mephisto was already gone in a cloud of smoke. A loud horn sounded from outside on the front lawn. It was the space shuttle to Hacknor.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

As I packed my suitcase in anticipation of my trip to Hacknor for Last Gladiator Standing 2, I couldn't help but pause to chuckle about the howls of horror coming from the ballroom downstairs. My students were "enjoying" the unique musical stylings of Sanjaya. Their screams and tears made all the stress and tension being the headmaster of this school worth it.

Petty, I know, but what are you going to do?

I was just double checking my inventory of heat seeking mini-Sidewinder missiles for my combat hover chair when an eerie screeching sound erupted from behind me. Spinning around, I saw a thick cloud of black smoke filling my room.

Suppressing a cough, I stared in astonishment as a figure emerged from the smoke. A tall red man with wild hair and the most evil smile that any creature has ever worn. Mephisto.

"W-what *hack* do y-you want?" I asked, trying to catch my breath.

"Heh, heh, heh. I think you know, Xavier. We have unfinished business."

His voice was a twisted cackle that sent cold shivers down my spine.

"I, er, have no idea what you're talking about. Absolutely none."

His smile grew even broader, stretching inhumanly up into his cheeks. "Then you, my friend, shall die! AHA! HA! HA!"


Monday, April 23, 2007

I must say, of all the victory celebrations the X-Men have had, this one tonight was by far the most interesting. There were quite a few faces at the party I hadn't seen before. Traveling to Hell and battling Mephisto and his hoards will do that I suppose.

Damien, the Son of Satan was there, as was the Ghost Rider and Hellboy. They were both laughing at Damien for not having gotten a movie deal yet. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I saw a tear in his eye as they waved their checks for the sequels to their movies in front of his face.

The musical act I had booked went over about as well as they usually do. This time I managed to get Sanjaya. I normally try to get American Idol rejects to perform. The kids think I'm out of touch and square. Subjecting them to these horrible realty star reject singers is my little revenge against the buggers.

As well as reveling in our victory in Hell, this gala was also a bit of a farewell. I'm taking off to Hacknor after the party for the Last Gladiator Standing Two competition. I made certain arraignments to ensure Tak won't be playing this year. With he and Jean-Luc out of the way, I should have a clear shot at victory this time.

Friday, April 20, 2007

As I relaxed in my study with a cup of Earl Gray tea - excuse me, I mean glass of Cognac - where did that tea thing come from? I'm strictly a coffee man.

Anyway, I was planning out our victory celebration when - oh, you see we X-Men like to have a grand fete after we've completed some monumental triumph. Defeating Mephisto on his home turf certainly qualifies.

Anyway, while I was in the amidst of securing the entertainment, a received a package by special courier. Though the envelope had no return address, it was post-marked from Hacknor. I knew immediately what it must be. Eagerly I ripped the it open and out fell my own personal invitation to -

Last Gladiator Standing. Truth be told, I had been looking forward to this for awhile. I hadn't had much interest in attending last year's competition - that sort of thing really isn't my sort of thing - but to my surprise I really had a lot of fun.

Of course my life was quite different back then. The Magdelina and I were involved in a rather serious relationship. We got to spend a lot of quality time together. Then of course I rushed off the save the galaxy and she hooked up with a want-a-be super-villain. Ah well.

I also met some rather interesting people at last year's games. I think it's open to anyone, by the way. If you're interested in playing, just let Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator know.

The other great advantage is getting to be free of the X-Men for awhile. I think I may just travel to Hacknor early.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The X-Men's battle against Mephisto and his demonic hoards was something to see. I wish you could have been there. There was all sorts of fire and energy blasts and punches and claws and things. All hell broke loose really.

Get it? All hell broke loose. We were in Hell. Okay fine. Now you know why I never tried my hand at stand up comedy. Well that and the chair.

Anyway, I won't bore you with all the details of our tremendous battle. Suffice it to say, the right side won. ;-) Laura is safe back at the school. Wolverine is off with whatever team he's on this week. Iceman says going to Hell was actually a great experience. He lost 20 pounds.
The only real surprise, I suppose, was that somehow Magneto slipped back with us when we teleported out. Oh well, hopefully he's learned the error of his ways and will use his powers and talents towards the cause of world peace.

It could happen.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

There were several low level demons at various points around the entrance to Mephisto's citadel, but Emma and I managed to cloud their minds so that they could not see us. Our large group managed to sneak in to the central chamber.

Wolverine was locked into a cage of ashy bones while the Dark Lord played with his mind, forcing him to relieve painful memories from his past.

"Typical," Cyclops whispered. "It figures Logan couldn't wait for us before attacking. What a showoff."

"Just blast him," I instructed.


"No you idiot, Mephisto!" I hissed.

Cyclops shrugged. With a disappointed look on his face, he unleashed a ferocious blast straight at Mephisto, sending him flying. Wolverine recovered his senses and smashed out of his cage. Laura, his daughter/sister/clone, was already freeing herself.

Mephisto got to his feet and let out a terrible howl. With a wave of his hand he summoned hoards of rather creepy looking demons. Obviously this wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped.

Monday, April 09, 2007

"It's a demon!" Cyclops shouted.

"In Hell? Are zhoo zure?" Gambit asked incredulously.

"Blast him!" yelled back Cyclops, planting his feet a yard apart. A truly heroic stance. He reached up for the controls on his visor. Why, I don't know. The controls have been attuned to his brainwaves so he doesn't actually need to touch anything. None-the-less, he reached for the control button but just before he fired, Emma Frost stepped in front of the large scary demon.

"Don't be such a baby," she scolded Scott and the others. "This is a friend, isn't that right Hellboy?"

Emma turned around to face the large red man-like creature with the shaved horns. Her arms folded around his back of the neck as she leaned in for a long, undoubtedly wet kiss. I looked at Magneto and he just shrugged.

"That's right, baby," the giant with the large stone hand growled back with what could only be called a smile on his face. "Who's your friends?"

"Oh just some people I know. We're about to launch an assault on Mephisto. Do you want in?"

"I'd love to, doll. But I'm trackin' Rasputin at the moment. He's plannin' something big down here."

"Too bad. Well, call me."

And with that Hellboy left us. Our team regathered and we charged towards Mephisto's citadel.

special thanks to Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator for the pic

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Magneto led us confidently around the Fire Lake of Eternal Devastation. There was a small inlet on the far side, right at the base of Mount Chaotic. There stood the summer palace of Mephisto.

"His Throne is in the main chamber," Magneto told us.

"Perv," someone whispered.
"Freak," came another muffled voice.

I wasn't sure if Eric heard or not, but I did see his left eyebrow twitch. His voice betrayed nothing. "Alright, Charles. I have led you to the master of this realm."

"Oh, like I couldn't have done that," muttered Ghost Rider. "I would have found this place. Eventually."

"Zo vhat now, Profezzor?" Nightcrawler asked.

"Now we storm the palace. I have made contact with Wolverine and he is about to make his move. We arrived without a moment to spare."

The X-Men moved as one towards the palace. "Boy," Iceman said, "I hope they have air-conditi0ning in there."

I was going to tell him to focus on the mission, but before I could speak, a giant red demon with a large stone right hand jumped down in front of us. I had no idea where he came from.

"Hold on," he growled in a dark gravely voice as he pulled the cigar stub from his mouth. "You ain't goin' nowhere."

Great. And here I thought storming Hell would be easy.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

"Vhew! Zis is von hot place!" Nightcrawler groaned.

"Hell?" Cyclops asked. "You think Hell is hot? Imagine that."

"Hey man!" Iceman shouted. "I'm dripping! Water is dripping off me! I'm melting!"

"Zoot alors!" responded Gambit. "But perhaps you are jus' sweating, no?"

"Alright team," I said, "let's focus. We have to find Wolverine. He's going to confront Mephisto to save Laura."

All eyes turned to Ghost Rider for direction. He was turning around scanning the smoldering rocky horizon as he rubbed at his flaming chin bone.

"Uh . . the Throne of Mephisto is, uh, over past the Mindless Pits of Despair. That's er, between Mount Insanity and . . oh, wait a second. The Throne is at the foot of the Miasmic Dessert. Or . . uh . . maybe it was the Forlorn Canals of . . "

"Come on!" Cyclops yelled. "Just admit it! You have no idea where we are!"

"Hey! I am fused with the demonic Spirit of Vengeance!" Ghost Rider protested. "I know Hell like I know the back of mind!"

To prove his point, he held up his right hand and pulled off the glove revealing his bony skeleton. We all turned away in embarrassment.

"Well, well . . this is a surprise." Everyone turned at the sound of the deep commanding voice approaching us. The tall man in the red suit and flowing cape had an impressive mane of flowing white hair.

"Magneto?!" we all exclaimed as one.

"Hello Charles," he said as he stepped up next to me.

"What are you doing here, Eric?" I asked in confusion.

"Where else was I going to go? Detroit?"

"But . . I didn't know you died."

He looked around at the others sheepishly and then leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I was dating this killer robot from the future. Don't look at me like that. It's not what it sounds like, she was gorgeous. Anyway, she was pretty kinky and, well, we experimented with asphyxiation to enhance our-"

"That's fine, Eric. I really don't want to know. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Charles," he said straightening up. "You always were a gentlemen."

"Say . . do you know where the Throne of Mephisto is?"

"But of course," he said with an unmistakably wicked smile.
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