Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The best thing that I can say about today is that at least the Amazing Mutant Race is finally over.

The only teams that were left were Wolverine and Colossus and Jean Grey and Cyclops. Being the first to arrive yesterday, Logan and Peter were the first to depart today. The clue led them to a crazy challenge that the Beast had devised and built. Various mechanical parts were scattered around the school grounds. They had to be gathered and then assembled into a pre-designed machine. The function of this machine? A large foot massage device created specifically for the Beast's over-sized feet.

Wolverine had a bit of an advantage in locating the parts. The metal didn't have an odor but the Beast had planted them and he does have a very strong aroma. He smells like wet dog. Jean was able to read Wolverine's mind to find the parts herself. Soon both teams had all their pieces.

Jean and Scott were doing a much better job at putting the massagers together. Wolverine doesn't know a phillips head screwdriver from a jigsaw and Colossus is really quite a clutz. When they saw Jean and Scott finish and start heading for the next clue, Wolverine, rather than lose his cool and trash the device they were working on as I expected him to do, just chuckled. I soon found out why.

As Jean and Scott ran towards the clue, the Angel swooped down and landed in front of them. He had a piece of paper in his hands which he unfolded into a big cut out heart. Then he b
lew a kiss to Jean. She lit up like a Christmas tree. Scott jumped at Warren but he flew up and out of his way. Then Scott reached for his eye visor to unleash a ferocious optic blast at Warren. Before he could fire, Jean used her telekinetic powers to give Scott what I believe is known as an atomic wedgie.

Scott howled louder than Banshee. Then he did his signature move - he collapsed into the fetal position and cried like a baby. I read Warren's mind to find out why he provoked Scott like that and found out that Wolverine had blackmailed him. Apparently there are some very incriminating photographs of Warren dressed up in lacy women's undergarments.

Wolverine and Colossus quickly passed Jean and Scott and managed to win the game. Their self-proclaimed prize was have the Power Pack wait on them like slaves for a month.

At least this silly game is over so perhaps school life will return to normal and I can actually get some work done.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Day 2 of the Amazing Mutant Race happened today. As Jean and Scott were the first team to arrive at the mandatory rest stop yesterday, they were the first team to depart today.

The first clue led them on a wild goose chase around the school grounds. Wolverine and Colossus followed closely behind them with Beast and Iceman bringing up the rear. Eventually the teams stumbled over the second clue, which had been hidden under a rock far from the house. It was a Road Block.

A Road Block, so I'm told, is a challenge that only one member of the team may perform. The contestants had to rush back to the cafeteria where they found 3 tables set up with a variety of completely non-nutritious junk food. This challenge had been designed by Wolverine. The so-called food consisted of a bag of Fritos, a can of Pringles, a box of Twinkies and a six-back of Coke.

All three teams hit the tables at around the same time. Wolverine had a broad smirk on his face as he settled down to munch on his favorite snacks. Jean made Scott do this one. He did fairly well up through the can of Pringles but halfway through the Fritos he began to turn blue.

The Beast, who is already blue, was making pretty quick work of the Twinkies. Using m
y ability to read his mind, I could hear that he was becoming very agitated about what all those sugar calories were doing to his waist line. You see, the Beast has a bit of a weight problem. After his third Coke he ran to the bathroom to purge. He felt so bloated though that he refused to come out. "I don't want anyone to see me like this!" he cried. Bobby banged on the door to try and get him out but the Beast wasn't listening.

Wolverine finished first, of course, and he and Colossus ran to the finish line. I thought Scott was going to lose his lunch too but he managed to get through it all. Jean had to telekinetically float him to the finish. Hank and Bobby were the last team to arrive so they were eliminated.

Fortunately this ordeal should be over tomorrow.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Wolverine just can't let it go. Despite my having "convinced" him to not apply as a contestant to the Amazing Race, he's still obsessed. Since he doesn't think he can go on the actual show, he's decided to organize his own contest here on the school grounds. I'm tempted to forbid him, but frankly it's the most motivated I've ever seen him.

The students have broken up into four teams - Wolverine and Colossus, Gambit and Rogue, Jean and Scotty and Beast and Ice Man. A number of different challenges have been set up. The various contests were designed by each of the teams, just to keep it fair. Wolverine's were all eating challenges for some reason.

The race started this morning with all the teams lined up the front gate. When Banshee let out a cry to single the start, all the players rushed to the mailbox to get their first clue. The first challenge was one designed by Cyclops. The teams had to rush to the basketball court on Segway people movers, break into the hidden aircraft hanger under the court and then make their way to the danger room. The teams then had to successfully complete the Sentinel's Annihilation scenario.

Gambit and Rogue managed to get to the danger room first and were doing quite well in the Sentinel program when Gambit made the mistake of pinching Rogue's butt.

"Ma cher," he said with that devilish grin of his, "it is just my way." Rogue then proceeded to beat the crap out of the Cajun. This allowed the other teams to get past them.

Once the danger room challenge was completed the teams then had to race to the television room, where the last team to arrive would be eliminated. Jean and Scott were first, followed closely by Wolverine and Colossus and then Beast and Iceman. Needless to say, Rogue and Gambit were the last to arrive. Once Gambit had managed to hobble in front of the TV, Angel had the pleasure of giving them the boot.

The second leg of the race continues tomorrow.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Just when I think I've finally gotten a moment to myself to actually get some real work done, some "crisis" amoung my students never fails to intrude upon my peace. The latest was Jean and Scott seeking my aid to mediate in their relationship difficulties.

"Professor, do you have a moment?" Jean asked as she came into my office closely followed by Cyclops. Neither waited for a response before taking seats before my desk. "Scott is just being ridiculous and I want you to set him straight," she said.

"Now Jean, I . ." I started to say, but was quickly cut off by Scott.

"That's crazy! You're the one who's acting all psycho!" he shouted.

"Please!" Jean moaned, rolling her eyes. "All your damn whining about my new costume. You're acting like my father!"

"What are you talking about?" he demanded. "I think your new outfit is the greatest thing in the world."

Jean stared at him blankly for a moment and then cast a suspicious look in my direction. I gave her a feeble smile and a slight shrug. She didn't need to use her telepathetic abilites to know that I had previously implanted Scott's favorable impression of her new costume in his mind.

"Whatever," she responded. "You are still acting like a silly little boy about Logan. I like him, so what? You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do."

"Are you nuts?" he shot back in confusion. "I'm the one who suggested you two go to Atlantic City, aren't I? I'm not jealous. I trust you."

Jean immediately looked over at me this time. I nodded sheepishly. As a rule I avoid altering someone's memories, but it's been so hard for me to get any peace lately.

"Well, you're still being unreasonable about me and Warren."

"The Angel!" Scott spat in a sudden fury. "I saw that bastard coming on to you in the garden . . and you kissed him!" Scott jumped up and started to reach for his visor control, apparently getting ready to fire a powerful optic blast at Jean.

"Scott!" I yelled, trying to regain some control over my environment. "Stop being so fo
olish." Cyclops hesitated for a moment but then did sit. That was a relief. "You know Warren has been having a difficult time of it since he made People magazine's worst dressed list. I don't know whose idea that red and yellow costume was, but it's best for all that he retired it. Jean was just trying to comfort him."

"With her tongue?!" Scott yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"You're an asshole!" Jean yelled back at him.

I could see this wasn't going anywhere and I had to get back to my work. Using my awesome mental powers I altered Scott's memories so that he thought Jean's comforting of the Angel had been his suggestion. Telepathically I let Jean know what I was doing. Fortunately for me, she agreed with my plan.

"So Jean, do you want to go White Castle and get some burgers?" Scott asked her, in a suprisingly pleasant voice.

"Actually Scott, I'm planning to, um, comfort Warren tonight," she answered.

"Oh, that sounds like a good idea," he smiled back.

As they both left my office all I could do was shake my head and softly sigh. Hopefully the rest of the day will pass peacefully.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Sigh. It looks like my efforts to reform Nightcrawler were not sufficient. This was the scene just a few moment ago in my formerly peaceful office.

"Professor X!" Kitty Pryde screamed as she banged my door open. "That blue
freak did it again!"

I groaned with trepidation when I heard that. Obviously Kitty was referring to Nightcrawler and his lascivious indiscretions. Dread filled me as I waited to hear what he had done now.

"I caught that . . that . . pervert . . going through my underwear draw . . again!" she yelled, loud enough for the whole house to hear.

Kitty, Kurt doesn't mean any harm. He
just . ."

"I don't give a crap! Just because he can teleport doesn't give him the right to invade my privacy! Or the other girls, either!"

"I know Kitty, but you have to understand . . "

"Bull! He wouldn't pull this crap with Storm! He knows she would fry him into blue bacon with a lightening bolt!"

"Alright Kitty, I'll have a talk with him. You don't have to . ."

"You better! Otherwise I'm going to be giving a call to F. Lee Bailey. He's friends with my uncle, you know."

Great, that's just what I need. A student threatening to sue me. I still haven't finished paying off the court ordered damages from the time I turned into Onslaught.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I'm beginning to think that starting this school was a big mistake. My "students" are just far too draining on my intellectual reserves. I just had a visit from Wolverine and Colossus.

"Hey 'Wheels'!" Wolverine said as he burst into my office unannounced. I hate it when he calls me that. "The Commie and me are gonna try out for the Amazin' Race."

"Da," said Colossus as the giant walked in behind Wolverine.

"We're gonna kick all those pansy teams asses!" shouted Wolverine.

"Now Logan, you know that it would not be fair to have mutants with their superior powers and abilities to compete in events against regular humans," I said, in an effort to talk some sense into the boys.

"Aww, that's bullcrap, Charlie! We got powers and we're gonna use them to kick some ass! You should see what these idiots are doing on the show. On the rerun on the Gameshow Network tonight this pathetic loser was tossing these little balls into the back of a truck and they kept bouncing out! He was whinnin' like a little girl 'cause the balls had little stickers on 'em. I could a done that challenge in like 2 seconds. We are gonna kick ass!"

"Da," Colossus said as he high-fived Wolverine.

"Now Peter," I said, hoping I could at least make Colossus see reason, "as a believer in communist ideology, surely this type of competition for a large cash price reeks of capitalism and is therefore anathema to you."

"Vhatever, I just vant to kick ass!" Colossus answered, high-fiving Wolverine again.

"Don't you think anyone is going to notice that you are a mutant when you turn your body into organic steel?" I asked, making another effort to show them the light.

Colossus stood there for a moment with a confused look on his face.

"If anybody says, anything, we'll just cut 'em up!" Wolverine
shouted, unsheathing his adamantium claws with a loud
"snnikktt" sound.

"I believe that commiting a crime is a disqualification from the race. Not that I've seen the show," I replied. Now Wolverine looked confused.

"But we could kick such ass!" he protested. "Forget it Charlie, we're goin'!"

With a sigh I used my awesome mental powers to remove their desire to be contestants on the Amazing Race. I thought about removing their interest in the show altogether, but I try to limit my mental meddling to a minimum. I think I really might have to talk to Magneto about taking Wolverine off my hands. Of course, I'll have to break Eric out of jail first.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I have also been getting a lot of complaints from my female students about Nightcrawler. They tell me that he uses his teleporting power to materialize into the girl's bathroom while they are in the shower. Apparently he doesn't realize that his teleporting creates a loud "bamf" sound, a big cloud of dark smoke and a foul odor. Not very discrete.

I called Kurt into my office to explain that this is inappropriate behavior that will not be tolerated.

"First of all, you are invading the girl's privacy," I told him. "Secondly, most of the students are underage. You are exposing the school, and more importantly myself, to serious liability."

"But Herr Professor," he replied in his weird German accent, "I am providing a valuable service to za leibschoens. Zey must learn about boys, no? And . . . sex, yes?"

"Kurt, spying on girls while they are in the shower is not teaching them about sex. Leave the biology lessons to Storm. That's the subject she teaches. You are forbidden from teleporting into the girls' bathroom. Do you understand?"

"Ja, mein Professor. Umm, vhat about za girls' lockerroom?"

"No, you pervert! Stay away from the girls!" I screamed.

"Well, what about Jean and Ororo? Zey are over 17."

"No, you little blue freak! You cannot spy on anyone! Ever! Now get out of my sight!"

He skulked out of my office like a wounded puppy. I'm going to have to get that pedophile into therapy before he gets me into trouble.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Uggh. If I hear Wolverine say one more thing about what "idiotic dumb-asses" the teams on the Amazing Race are, I am going to scream. Or use my mental powers to turn him into a vegetable.

Everyone has this image of Wolverine as a tough, ultra-macho berserker fighter but the fact is he spends all day in front of the TV watching reality gameshows. Ever since the school got TIVO, he's just gotten worse. His latest addiction is the Amazing Race re-runs on the Gameshow Network. He's already seen every episode but he just keeps watching them over and over! And he yells at the TV screen about what "stupid-ass" decisions the teams make. He says "ass" a lot.

He's really starting to irritate the other students. No one else can hangout in the TV room anymore. Wolverine just sits there drinking beer, eating nachos, cursing and emitting various noxious gases from his bodily orifices. And, of course, making degrading comments to the TV. He's insufferable. Maybe I'll see if the Brotherhood will take him. Magneto still owes me one.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

You would think that as the Headmaster of one of the most exclusive schools in the world, and the commander in chief of one of the most powerful teams of super-beings, that if I were called out of town for a weekend it would be to deal with some Earth-shattering crisis.

But no. Not me. Instead I had to spend my weekend comforting Scott Summers, wiping up his tears, cleaning up his puke and recycling his empty beer bottles. Apparently his girlfriend, Jean Grey, left him. Again. They had some squabble over her new X-Man outfit. Scott was complaining that it was a little too tight and revealing. He told me that he actually used the word "slutty". Needless to say, Jean didn't take that very well. She tossed him across the room telekenetically and announced that she was going to go to Atlantic City for the weekend with Wolverine.

Scott was furious. He ran to the garage and incinerated Wolverine's motorcycle with his powerful eye beams. Then Scott hopped on his own motorbike and took off, crying the whole time like a little girl. With Cerebro I was able to eventually track him down to a Motel 6 in Weehawken, New Jersey. I found Scott lying in a pool of his own sick, surrounded by an empty case of Rolling Rock beer. The bed had been flipped up against the front wall, blocking out the window. The place was disgusting.

I comforted him all weekend, telling him that everything would be alright. He never believed me. Eventually I gave up and, for the sake of my own personally sanity, decided to alter his memory with my mental powers. Now he thinks that Jean's costume is the greatest thing he ever saw and that her going to Atlantic City with Logan was his idea. Ahh well, at least there is peace in the school again.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I got served today.

My ex-wife, "Doctor" Moira MacTaggert, has filed in court for an upward modification of her monthly maintenance payments. She claims that all of the recent exposure that I've gotten means I must be making more money. HA! She has no idea what she's talking about. Mozart, one of the greatest composers of all time, was extremely famous but he never made any real money. She's just jealous because now I'm getting some fame and attention and wants a part of it.

Well I'm certainly going to fight this tooth and nail. That . . woman . . got more than enough from me in our divorce settlement. My damn attorney gave away everything but the underwear I was wearing! I'm still involved in litigation against him for the lousy job he did. That's what I get for hiring a blind lawyer. Believe me, that's the last time I take legal advice from Spider-Man.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I love Homo Superiors but I hate Muties.

I realize this statement may be shocking to some, especially those in the mutant community who know that I am a staunch advocate for mutant rights, but I just can't take it anymore!

Every time Homo Superior wants to have a good time, muties have to come along and ruin it.

You can't go visit your family without some mutie throwing fireballs at the police.

You can't go to the train station without being attacked by some giant freaky mutie with fangs and claws . . .

. . . or a really disgusting 10 foot long tongue.

And you can't ever have nice antiquey things at your mansion. Why? Because the muties will just break in and trash the place. I am just tired of muties. Tired, tired tired.

And you know what bugs me the most about muties? They will brag about not doing things they aren't suppose to do. I was visiting with a mutie I use to be friends with who is currently incarcerated (not suprising for a mutie), and he was telling me that during his last escapade, at least he didn't kill anyone. What do you want? A cookie?! You aren't suppose to kill anyone!

And the muties try to blame the media. Well that is just silly. Let me tell you, when I'm taking a tour of the White House, I'm not looking over my shoulder for Mike Wallace - I'm looking out for muties!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I have decided to maintain this Blog for three purposes.

One, I wish to connect with the children of my school by joining in one of their favorite past-times, blogging on the "internet". I feel this will allow me to relate to them and therefore increase our understanding of each other. Undoubtably this will result in my being a more effective teacher for them.

Two, this venue will no doubt allow me to release some of the inevitable frustrations that accumulate during day-to-day life as the headmaster of a school for "gifted" youngsters.

Three, and perhaps most important, I can directly address some of the scurilous and baseless allegations leveled against me by my "students".
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