Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I think we might have made a serious mistake with Wolverine. Since his return from the Savage Land where the Scarlet Witch had altered his personality with her magic powers, he has become even more intolerable than he was before, if that were possible.

I've heard from some of my students that Logan has resumed his vigil in front of the TV but now he's eating Wasabi peas and Trail Mix and he was watching the triumvirate of womanly mush: Oprah, Ellen and the latest man-hating she-devil, Martha Stewart.

After I found out about this recent behavior, I summoned Wolverine to my office. At the time, he was on the Starbuck's line in the lobby. He was planning to order a Decaf Komodo Dragon blend. Decaf!? Wolverine!?

"Hello Professor Xavier," he said to me. Not, 'Hi Wheels' or 'What's up Chuck?'. It took me a moment to believe what I was hearing.

"Um, how are you today Logan?"

"Just dandy, Professor. Thanks for asking!"

"That's, um, great. I hear you've started watching Oprah," I told him.

"Oh, she's just so insightful, don't you think? So real."

"And, um, I heard you were crying during the show?"

"Well she had this special tribute to Lance Armstrong on today. It was very moving. It's just amazing all that man has overcome."

To my shock and dismay, Wolverine started to tear up as he spoke. It almost made me embarrassed to be a man.

"Um, Logan, there's a, um, special assignment I'd like you to go on," I told him.

"Of course Professor, I'd just love to help in any way I possibly could."

"Good, very good, Logan. There is a former acquaintance of yours who is in a dark place and needs a friend right now. You remember . . Deadpool, right?"

"Oh sure, we share some genetic material. Yeah, he's an intense guy alright."

"Well, I want you to move into his apartment for a few days. Spend some quality time with him. Let him know that he is, um, loved. Can you do that for me?"

"Of course Professor! When do you want me to go?"

"Immediately!" I yelled just a little too loudly.

I can't believe how pathetic Wolverine has become. Hopefully Deadpool can toughen him up a bit. If that doesn't work, Wanda may have to try and undo her spell. He is really intolerable right now.


Anonymous Emma Frost said...

Oprah? Wolverine crying? -le sigh- And I thought Scott had problems during our sessions. Oh well. I do hope either Deadpool or Wanda helps you, Charles.

There does not seem to be any other alternative. Unless you wish for me to knock some sense into the poor dear. Or perhaps if you set him loose in the Canadian wilderness again? That may work.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

If is personality problems can't be resolved, I may just follow your suggestion about releasing him into the wild. With my luck his animal senses would just lead him back here though. We'll see.

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Deadpool said...

I hear Oprah's a mutant... Me and Wolvie will become best budds!

5:17 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

He should have arrived at your apartment this afternoon. Please let me know how tonight goes. Do you have adequate space or will Wolverine be relegated to a couch?

6:36 PM  

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