Friday, May 30, 2008

"You will be dead in minutes without the life giving nutrient fluids back in your jar!" gloated Nemonok.
Just as I thought I would have to give up control of his ship and return my disembodied brain to the prison that was a glass jar, a giant Shi-Ar battle cruiser appeared off our starboard side. A moment later, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Captain Koma, Wolverine, and an assortment of various current and former X-Men, followed by my lumbering robotically controlled brainless body, materialized on the deck of Nemonok's ship.

"You're dead meat, spud," growled Wolverine, his metal claws unsheathing as he rushed towards Nemonok.
"Allow me," said Koma with a smirk. He fired a ray at Nemonok's rain containment unit and I could sense the immediate transformation as the villain drifted off to la la land. With a grunt of disappointment, Wolverine retracted his claws.

Triumphantly, and with a bit of awe at the oddness of the situation, Jon lifted my brain from the neural interface control panel of the ship and started to carry me towards my zombie-like body. Unfortunately, despite countless hours developing hand-eye coordination playing computer games, Jon lost his grip and my helpless brain went sailing through the air.

The X-Men, that highly trained group of super-heroes that I personally molded into my own mutant army, stood by in stunned motionlessness, watching as my brain flew in a long 10 foot arc across the deck before splattering in a Rorschach like ink spot of disgusting formless goo on the cold metal floor.

All around me slipped into darkness, only to be slowly replaced by a bright light. As it faded, I realized I was standing, back in my body, on a small colorless beach. Lapping at the shore below a dull grey-reddish sky stretched an endless black ocean. Turning, I saw a high jagged rock face stretching down the beach as far as the eye could see. The only interruption in the flat rock wall was a tall ornate metal gate. Above, in twisted rot iron was spelled out the words - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter.

Oh, come on! I've been sent to Hell?? How could this possibly be? What about all the times I saved the damn planet? Doesn't that count for anything? And all those persecuted mutants I've rescued, isn't that enough to save my soul?

As if in answer, the metal gates creaked open invitingly. I looked up at the bleak sky.

"Is this because of the time I telepathically influenced that cute little cocktail waitress into sleeping with me?" I asked. I heard a rumbling thunder in the far distance that sounded vaguely like laughter.

Oh well, at least Hell is a gated community. With a sigh, I started to walk forward through the yawning entrance. Everything around me started to warble. Disoriented, I froze as the landscape shimmered and melted into a shapeless void. Slowly reality reformed.

I was back on the deck of Nemonok's ship, still a brain. Jon was lifting me out of the neural interface control panel. Just as he took his first step towards my zombie-like body, Koma shouted out - "Stop!!"

Jon jolted to a halt, my brain sloshing precariously in the pan in his hands. "What the hell is it?" he barked angrily at Koma. "Are you trying to make me drop the Professor?!"

Koma released the giant red button he had just pressed. "Ha! Just the opposite, actually. It's a good thing Nemonok has an Omega 13 installed."

"What's an Omega 13?" Jon asked.

"It's a device that sends everything back 13 seconds," Koma explained.

"13 seconds? That's not much."

"It's enough to redeem a single mistake," answered Koma with a smirk. "Such as splattering Xavier's brains all over the deck. Now let's go."

Koma fiddled with something on his belt and all of us teleported back to the Shi-Ar ship. Lillandra rushed over to me and lovingly stroked my brain. She then ordered me and my body to be taken to the infirmary where, thanks to advance Shi-Ar science, I was restored.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"Xavier, my ship has been seriously damaged by that raging sociopath, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Unfortunately for you, this means I must use your disembodied brain for spare parts. Your grey matter will have to replace the logic board that drives the ship. As I said, this is unfortunate for you because it means your consciousness will be destroyed."

This was Nemonok talking. He is definitely one of the most evil beings I have ever met. He has stolen my brain and kidnapped me. We are now stranded somewhere on the outer rim of our solar system.

"Nothing personal, you understand," Nemonok continued. "I rather enjoyed our little road trip. Ah well. Goodbye."

Telekenetically, I'm assuming, Nemonok flipped switches and a mechanical arm emerged from the control panel and grasped onto the top of the jar my brain was encased in. It removed the lid to the jar. Tossing it aside, the arm then reached into the bottle, it's long metal fingers stretching around my brain.

They say there are no nerve endings in the brain. They also say that you shouldn't drink and drive or hit on your hot female employees. They say a lot of stupid things.

I could feel the cold metal arms lifting my brain out of the jar. It swung me around and moved me towards the computer bank in the control board. A panel slid open and the arm lowered me inside. I could feel wires and pads press against my grey matter, attaching themselves to me. It was rather icky.

"Goodbye, Xavier," Nemonok said with an unmistakably gloating tone. "I wish you well on your journey to the after life."

I waited, expecting to feel my life force slip away as my consciousness dissolved into the ethereal nothingness.

It didn't happen. I felt just fine, for a disembodied head, anyway. I could also feel the entire ship around me, connected to me. All the controls and circuits and functions, all awaiting my instruction. Nemonok began to flip various switches, obviously trying to pilot the ship somewhere. I disconnected his controls.

"What is this?" he spat. Figuratively, of course. "Why isn't this damn thing working?!" He began to cause the switches to flip back and forth furiously. "It's that damn Xavier's weak brain! And here I had thought he was actually an intellect somewhat near to my own capacity. Blast it!"

"No need to call me names, Nemo," I thought at him. "My brain is working just fine and I am in harmony with the ship. Just relax."

Nemonok made the oddest sound I had ever heard. It sounded vaguely like he was gargling while ordering pizza. He then tried to direct the mechanical arm to remove me from the logic control module. I disabled that too.

"Fine!' he shouted. "But you have won nothing! This ship is still disabled and not going anywhere. Without your precious life-giving fluids in your brain jar, you will be a dead husk in minutes! Your only choice is to return to the jar and then I will once again be in total control!"

Suddenly the ship started shuddering. On the viewer, a giant green ship appeared. It was a Shi'Ar battle cruiser.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Here I am, a brain floating in a jar. My brainless body has been animated by a super-villain. Now everyone knows my secret, that I can really walk and have just been using this wheelchair thing to get some easy sympathy from the ladies. And to top it all off, I just get hit be a Meme. From a killer robot that wants to destroy humanity, no less.

Fine. It's a Meme. Code of honor and all that. What are you going to do?

It's from Sky. Go wish her a happy a birthday or she'll probably terminate you.

The Blog-anniversary Me MeThe rules:

Must post the rule.
Must link back to the person who's blog-birthday it is.
Must post comment when you are done.

What to do:

Fill out the following:
01] I am just a little be frightened of Sky.
02]Sky is one hot piece of hardware.
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would probably make a play.
04] I think Sky should give the human race a second chance.
05] Sky needs move on from Tony Stark. He's not a very good example of human virtue.
06] I want to try out page 203 of the Karma Sutra with Sky.
07] Someday Sky will need new batteries.
08] Sky reminds me of Miss January 2003.
09] Without Sky the world would be a less interesting place.
10] My memories of Sky are tinged with impending doom.
11] Sky can be anything she wants to be. Literally.
12] The worst thing about Sky is her genocidal tendencies.
13] The best thing about Sky is the face that she is clothing optional.
14] I am prepared to open a joint bank account with Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is her phone number.
16] Sky should go and commit genocide on cockroaches. Now those things are a plight.
17] Sky wants me. I'm just sure of it.
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is the pictures.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is the allusions to her getting it on with Stark. He's probably so infected with STDs at this point there's something that could even effect a robot.
20) My favorite post from Sky is the one where she and Seven of Nine have a slumber party.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

As you might imagine, it was rather disconcerting to find that I had been reduced to merely a brain by the evil Dr. Nemonok. Of course my brain is my most important feature, but knew that before long I'd start to miss my other great features. Particularly my penis. Yes, I'd have to get my body back.

Fortunately my psionic abilities seemed to be undisturbed. Concentrating, I sent my astral projection out into the ether. Within minutes I was back at the school. I was mildly distressed to find that my body was not in the study where I left it. Doing a quick sweep through the school I found myself down in the med lab.

Captain Koma of all people was doing something near my head. Storm and a female robot stood nearby. Wolverine sat on a stool with an ice pack on his crotch for some reason. His cold stare was boring into the back of Koma's head like he was trying to vaporize it by the force of his will. Cyclops was standing off to the side.

"Scott," I thought to him.

"Huh?" he said outloud, his head whipping around frantically.

"Scott, it's me Professor Xavier."

"Professor?!" he shouted.

"Shut up, you idiot!" Storm yelled. "He can't hear you. He has no brain!"

Scott looked very confused.

"I am with you Scott," I told him. "You don't have to speak."

"Are . . are you a ghost?" he asked.

"Of course not! I'm not dead."

"But then how can I hear you?"

"I'm a telepath! I'm talking to you with my mind."

"Talking with your mind?"

"You are my first student! You've been with me for years! I'm a telepath! I communicate by thoughts! I can read your mind and put my words into your mind. You know this!"

"Wait a minute . . you can read my mind?"

Did Nemonok steal Cyclops' mind, too? "You can't possibly be this dense," I said. "Of course I can read your mind."

"Then, uh, you know about that thing with the donkey?"

Sigh. After a long pause, I resumed, "This isn't the time to discuss your deviant proclivities. What I need is for you to gather the X-Men and have them bring my body to my location. You will need Beast, Jean and Forge in order to-"

"I did!" Koma suddenly shouted.

Everyone turned their attention to my body. Slowly . . stiffly . . it rose off the table.

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