Monday, October 17, 2005

After the Scarlet Witch uncovered a hatchery of Brood warriors in the basement of the X-Hibitionists yesterday, I have been deeply troubled about the aliens presence on Earth. I was deep in thought about how best to proceed when Beast, Nightcrawler and Wolverine burst into my study.

"We got a bone to pick with you, Chuck!" Logan growled at me as he charged up to my desk.

"Mein freund ess right, Herr Professor!" Nightcrawler said as he materialized in a fowl smelling cloud of black smoke over my head.

"This injustice will not stand!" Hank joined in.

"Gentlemen, what on Earth is this all about? I am dealing with a rather serious sit-"

"Can it, bub!" Wolverine spat. "We know what you been up to and we don't like it!"

"I have no idea what you are talk-"

"That's crap!" Wolverine yelled. He was more ferocious than I have seen him in weeks.

"Logan, screaming won't help whatever -"

"Professor," started Beast, "we have read your little blog. It was rather illuminating. For instance, we have become fully cognizant of your alterations of our brains."

I felt a lump growing in the pit of my stomach.

"Yah Herr Professor. Ve are most displeased about your tampering!"

I decided to try an offensive tact. "That blog is my private journal! How dare you violate-"

"That's crap!" yelled Wolverine again. "That thing is on the internet! There ain't nothin' private about it. We found out about it 'cause Deadpool was braggin' about how you linked to his blog!"

Well, that tact didn't work. Time for plan B. "Gentlemen, this is a simple misunderstanding. You are taking my comments out of context. The fact is-"

"Don't bother with prevarications," said Beast. "Now that our attention has been called to the personality changes we have undergone, we can see those changes for ourselves. Logan was a surly slob, then you had Wanda turn him into a pansy. I was a little distracted by my . . um . . minor weight problem, then you had Gaia and Emma Frost make me perfect. Then the ladies changed Kurt from a total perv into the pathetic sycophant that he is now."

"Well, then you see that these personality problems have been effectively corrected. This intervention will only help you all live happier, more productive lives."

"That's not the point Professor," Hank continued as Wolverine seethed at his side. "You have no right to meddle with our minds. That is a total invasion of our privacy!"

"Hank, you are all X-Men. Your lives are my responsibility. Your effectiveness as X-Men directly impacts the lives of your fellow teammates. Your unresolved issues were jeopardizing lives. I tried other methods to help you but nothing worked. I was forced to take drastic action, for your benefit as well as for the greater good."

"Well if the problem is that we are X-Men, then we quit!" barked Wolverine.

"Now wait a minute, you can't quit!" I called after them. "We may be on the brink of an alien invasion!"

"Tell it to Will Smith," Logan called over his shoulder as the three men left my office.

I thought about using my mental powers to erase their memories right then and there but Wolverine unfortunately is rather resistant to such tactics thanks to his Weapon X training. If I altered the others, he would just tell him. Hopefully they will just blow off some steam and come back.


Blogger Dazzler said...

Buy Logan a beer, give Kurt a bible and give Beast some lab equipment. That shall solve your problem. If not send them to my nightclub. I will make them forget what has happened with a performance.

10:09 PM  
Blogger Haris said...

Wait, they call you Chuck!?!?
How much smarter does a person have to get to be taken seriously arround there.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Unfortunately Alison they have left the mansion so I can't send them anywhere. I'm hoping the will do whatever they have to do and get it out their systems.

And Haris, Wolverine's total lack of respect is definitely a big part of his problem.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Oh dear, Logan is very awkward sometimes. Remind him that he sang "Oh What A Beautiful Morning' on 'Oklahoma' on the London stage and it will bring his street cred down.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Dazzler said...

Uh Professor...we have a problem. They showed up at the nightclub..and now they will not leave. Logan keeps saying hes the best at what he does and it's driving us insane. Please help.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Oh dear, I was afraid of that. Perhaps Jean-Luc has given a good idea. I'll have to see what I can do about this today.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Maybe they'd buy it if you told them that your telepathic abilities are so strong that they spill over in you sleep. Maybe you just need a way to "clean the pipes," you know?

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Deadpool(no login) said...

Opps...Yeah It was probably that Agent X guy who told him...yup. You could get someone to mindwipe them?

8:32 PM  

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