Friday, May 30, 2008

"You will be dead in minutes without the life giving nutrient fluids back in your jar!" gloated Nemonok.
Just as I thought I would have to give up control of his ship and return my disembodied brain to the prison that was a glass jar, a giant Shi-Ar battle cruiser appeared off our starboard side. A moment later, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Captain Koma, Wolverine, and an assortment of various current and former X-Men, followed by my lumbering robotically controlled brainless body, materialized on the deck of Nemonok's ship.

"You're dead meat, spud," growled Wolverine, his metal claws unsheathing as he rushed towards Nemonok.
"Allow me," said Koma with a smirk. He fired a ray at Nemonok's rain containment unit and I could sense the immediate transformation as the villain drifted off to la la land. With a grunt of disappointment, Wolverine retracted his claws.

Triumphantly, and with a bit of awe at the oddness of the situation, Jon lifted my brain from the neural interface control panel of the ship and started to carry me towards my zombie-like body. Unfortunately, despite countless hours developing hand-eye coordination playing computer games, Jon lost his grip and my helpless brain went sailing through the air.

The X-Men, that highly trained group of super-heroes that I personally molded into my own mutant army, stood by in stunned motionlessness, watching as my brain flew in a long 10 foot arc across the deck before splattering in a Rorschach like ink spot of disgusting formless goo on the cold metal floor.

All around me slipped into darkness, only to be slowly replaced by a bright light. As it faded, I realized I was standing, back in my body, on a small colorless beach. Lapping at the shore below a dull grey-reddish sky stretched an endless black ocean. Turning, I saw a high jagged rock face stretching down the beach as far as the eye could see. The only interruption in the flat rock wall was a tall ornate metal gate. Above, in twisted rot iron was spelled out the words - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter.

Oh, come on! I've been sent to Hell?? How could this possibly be? What about all the times I saved the damn planet? Doesn't that count for anything? And all those persecuted mutants I've rescued, isn't that enough to save my soul?

As if in answer, the metal gates creaked open invitingly. I looked up at the bleak sky.

"Is this because of the time I telepathically influenced that cute little cocktail waitress into sleeping with me?" I asked. I heard a rumbling thunder in the far distance that sounded vaguely like laughter.

Oh well, at least Hell is a gated community. With a sigh, I started to walk forward through the yawning entrance. Everything around me started to warble. Disoriented, I froze as the landscape shimmered and melted into a shapeless void. Slowly reality reformed.

I was back on the deck of Nemonok's ship, still a brain. Jon was lifting me out of the neural interface control panel. Just as he took his first step towards my zombie-like body, Koma shouted out - "Stop!!"

Jon jolted to a halt, my brain sloshing precariously in the pan in his hands. "What the hell is it?" he barked angrily at Koma. "Are you trying to make me drop the Professor?!"

Koma released the giant red button he had just pressed. "Ha! Just the opposite, actually. It's a good thing Nemonok has an Omega 13 installed."

"What's an Omega 13?" Jon asked.

"It's a device that sends everything back 13 seconds," Koma explained.

"13 seconds? That's not much."

"It's enough to redeem a single mistake," answered Koma with a smirk. "Such as splattering Xavier's brains all over the deck. Now let's go."

Koma fiddled with something on his belt and all of us teleported back to the Shi-Ar ship. Lillandra rushed over to me and lovingly stroked my brain. She then ordered me and my body to be taken to the infirmary where, thanks to advance Shi-Ar science, I was restored.

13 Comments:

Blogger Mr. Bennet said...

How does one become part of an assortment of various current and former X-Men? Are there any openings? What's the health benefits like?

12:06 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Requirement one is that you have to be a mutant. Or a really hot chick. And you have to be unselfconscious about wearing skin-tight blue and yellow spandex.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Omega 13 was very useful!

3:11 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

After they got your brain and body back together, couldn't they have done something about that ugly vest and boots combo?

7:29 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

I saved the day - yeah!

Go Koma go koma go koma

11:57 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

-- See it totally worked!

7:45 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

And don't think I don't know what an Omega 13 is, Professor. I ues them all the time, in fact I have one right here now. Whatch this--

7:46 AM  
Blogger Nepharia said...

Does this mean *I* can join the X-Men?

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Future Justice said...

WOW
I need one of those

8:06 AM  
Blogger Vampirella said...

LOL at jon

8:14 AM  
Blogger Sci-Fi said...

And I thought I was having a bad day.

10:57 PM  
Blogger Merlyn Gabriel said...

gosh....just gosh.

8:40 AM  
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6:48 PM  

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