I ignored the messages on my answering machine for two weeks now, but I could duck the network executive no longer. He said I was scheduled to appear on Oprah's show this afternoon. If I didn't show, it would be a major blow to my credibility. With a sigh, I gave in to the inevitable.

Cyclops and Colossus flew me in the X-Jet to Chicago. Setting the plane in automatic, stealth-hover mode, they then took me to her studio. Since I was going to be facing one of the most powerful and evil of mutants, I thought it wise to bring along some muscle. You know, just in case.

The audience politely applauded and Oprah herself stood to greet me. I could see the evil fire burning in her eyes as she introduced me. "Professor Charles Frances Xavier," she said with an unmistakably menacing tone. "Founder of the Xavier School for Gifted Children and activist for mutant rights. Welcome to my show."

I ignored my anxiety and put on a fake, warm grin as I waved to the audience. Wheeling over to her, I kept my finger on the trigger switch of my heat-seeking mini-sidewinder missiles.

"Thank you so much for having me, Oprah. It's a real treat to be here," I lied.

"Of course it is," she replied coolly. "But this isn't the first time we met, is it?"

I immediately flashed back on the battle the X-Men had against Apocalypse and his Horseman. Oprah was his Death. We almost didn't win that one. Only Gaia had managed to save the day, and she wasn't here now.

"Er, I'm not sure what you're referring to, Oprah," I answered.

"Then let me remind you."

Suddenly the lights in her studio all changed to an evil red. A wild cackle erupted from her lips and her outfit changed to that of the slutty Red Queen's. Looking at her fat body in skimpy lingerie made me gag a bit.

Energy waves flew from her fingers tips over the audience and they were all transformed into bizarre half-man, half-animal monsters. I should say 'half-woman' really, because Oprah's audience was all female for some reason. The woman-animals growled in furry as they all rushed towards me. To my horror, their minds had devolved to the point where my psionic powers had no effect on them.

This wasn't looking good.