Monday, January 08, 2007

"Hey, Charlie baby! We've got another press gig lined up for you!"

I couldn't take anymore of that oily CBS network representative. I reached out with my thoughts through the telephone line and entered his mind. To my astonishment it was totally vacant. There wasn't even enough brain power to keep this man breathing. How on Earth could he function?

A blaring sound from outside my window disturbed my thoughts. "Good. The car is already there," the network man said. "You're doing the David Letterman show. There was a cancellation and they need a last minute filler. Now get going!"

Letterman? Uggh. That man hasn't been funny in years. Sigh. Oh well.

I arrived at his studio in Manhattan and after having a woman smack me in the face a few times with a large powder puff, I was ushered straight out onto the stage. As I rolled out, I was a little shocked at what I found myself face to face with.





"Alright!" the loud-mouthed young man in the bozo wig shouted. "Welcome back to the Late Show! I'm your guest host Carrot Top and I'd just like to say, take your time in Boca, Dave!"

Then he turned to me. "Now who do we have here? Some bald guy in a mobile iron lung? I love it!"

I looked around in disbelief. Was this some kind of joke. I glanced out at the audience and saw them all laughing. What on Earth for? Oh well, I suppose I might as well try and make the best of it.

"Hello. My name is Charles Xav-"

"Look at this!" the obnoxious one shouted. He reached behind his desk and pulled out a black high heeled show with little wheels on it. "Training wheels for young girls!" The audience roared.

He knocked the shoe off the desk and slammed down a rubber duck with an electrical cord. "Dr. Kevorkian's bath toy!" More raucous laughter.

"I even have some self-esteem for Tom Cruise!" At that Carrot Top then dropped a shoe on the desk and pressed a button on the side. Expanding air cause the shoe to lift four inches higher. "And something for the cowboys when their drunk!" He then dropped a boot next to it. The boot had a kickstand.

He knocked them all off the desk and threw down a toy car with antlers mounted on the front. "Brittany Spears baby seat!" he shouted. More laughter. What was wrong with these people?

Then the truth occured to me. Obviously Carrot Top was a mutant with powers of mind control. He was tricking the crowd into thinking he was funny. I thought about altering everyone in the audience's mind, making them ignore him, but then I realized it would be easier to just take over Carrot Top's brain.

He dropped the microphone in the shape of a bong labeled 'Whitney Houston's' and turned to face me. "I am honored to have you here, Professor Xavier," he said in a level tone. "Please tell us about your new show, the Amazing Mutant Race 3."

I couldn't but help smile to myself. I must say, what followed was the best interview of my life.

10 Comments:

Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh come on, Carrto Top is funny.

Except for Chairman of the Board. PU!

10:18 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Or Carrot Top. You know what I meant.

He's body building now, I hear, so I bet he could crush Calista Flockhart like a dried up chicken bone.

10:19 AM  
Blogger KODIAK THE UNCANNY said...

KILL 'EM!

10:33 PM  
Blogger KODIAK THE UNCANNY said...

Better yet; Let me Kill 'em!

10:35 PM  
Blogger KODIAK THE UNCANNY said...

He gives the red mane a bad name. And his mutant power is giraffe neck. The world would be a better place...errr did i just say to kill someone!?!? Whats wit me these days?

10:40 PM  
Blogger Merlyn Gabriel said...

High heels with training wheels???

do you think he patented the idea???

conjures up some mighty funny images though. Glad the interview was good after the initial disaster.
-merly

3:27 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Good job on promoting ARM3, but you once agian failed to mention the handsome militay man from a galaxy far far away. People love that guy. Just what I have heard on the grapevine.

2:14 PM  
Anonymous NOT AOC ... really said...

Yeah that Clone Guy is great. We should see more of hime on your race show

2:15 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

I'll see what I can do.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Bulma said...

yes and less of me getting kidnapped , and having to help build skank bots That would be great.

2:44 PM  

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