"Look," I told him, "I appreciate your network letting us proceed with the Amazing Mutant Race, but I'm really not interested in doing any more of these promotions. That one this morning was really-"
"Forget it Xavier!" he barked. "You made an agreement. You signed the contract. We've got you by the short hairs!"
"Excuse me?" I said in disbelief.
"You heard me! Now you've got an appointment to do some radio. The limo should already be at your school. Get going!"
I sat there stunned by the brazeness of this TV executive. Did he have any idea who he was talking to? Didn't he realize what I could do to him? I started to think of all the things I could do to him when a loud blaring horn began honking outside my window.
Ah well. The racers have already started. I suppose I can put up with these ordeals for a bit longer. The driver took me to a tall high rise in midtown New York. I was lead up to a well lit studio. A nasally, gravely voice filled the studio's sound system.
"Okay, now we've got this guy named, um, let me see . . Professor X. Sounds pretty creepy."
"Oh Howard, you are so crazy, ha, ha, ha!" said a plump black woman sitting in the corner.
"Thank you, Robin. Now then, 'Professor', how are you doin' today?"
"Just fine thank you, Howard. And how-"
"Now let me ask you somethin'. You run a school right? And there are all sorts of young chicks there? Like, hot young chicks, right? Do you ever let them give you 'extra credit' to boost their grades?"
"Well of course students can do extra credit work. Both the girls and the boys."
"Woah!" he shouted. "Both the boys and the girls?! Thank you Congressman Foley! So that's how things are at your school, huh? Am I right Robin?"
"Ha ha! You are so right, Howard!" the woman agreed.
"Now then, let me ask you somethin' else," the man with the long scraggly black hair and protruding nose said. "These girls. You make 'em wear uniforms?"
"Well yes," I answered, a bit confused. "They wear spandex suits that-"
"OOH! Spandex! Are they skin tight?"
I found the eagerness in his voice to be more than a bit disturbing. "Well yes, but that's because they have to-"
"Oh man, that is so hot! I can just see it. And when the girls do their 'extra credit' . . . do they take off their skin tight spandex suits?"
"I don't . . I mean they do take them off to-"
"Oh man! You are one sleazy old guy! I love it!"
"What are talking about?" I demanded. "I am not sleazy. I run a-"
"You have got the best job ever!" Howard boomed. "You can get these hot little girls to do anything you want. You lucky bastard."
"Howard, I am here to talk about the Amazing Mutant Race show. We are airing-"
"So you're a mutant right?" he interrupted. "Do you ever use your powers to get people to do whatever you want?"
"It's not like that at all. There are many ethical considerations to be taken into-"
"Do you ever use your powers on women? Get them to go out on dates and sleep with you and stuff?"
"Of course not! I am rather offended that-"
"Oh come on! Any guy with that kind of power is totally going to use it to make women sleep with them. Am I right Robin?"
"Ha ha! You are so right, Howard!"
"I mean you can get chicks to do anything you want," Howard continued. "Fourth point of contact and everything! You lucky, lucky bastard."
"Now look here, Howard," I said as sternly as I could. "I hardly ever use my . . I mean, I absolutely would never under any circumstances use my powers in that fashion."
"Oh come on, Xavier!" he insisted. "You're a guy, right?"
"Of course I am."
"Well that chair you're in . . I mean your not dead below the waist are you? The equipment still works and everything?"
"Well of course it does. But I really don't see what-"
"Then there is no way you aren't using your powers to get women. I don't care what you say. Ladies and gentlemen, my new hero . . Professor X. Catch the Amazing Mutant Race 3 results show this Sunday at 8pm on CBS! Up next . . Carrot Top!"
Uggh. I need a shower.