Thursday, January 04, 2007

I sat there staring at phone, dreading that it might ring. As if the cosmos had somehow heard my dark fears and decided to give them life, it started ringing. It was the CBS representative.

"Look," I told him, "I appreciate your network letting us proceed with the Amazing Mutant Race, but I'm really not interested in doing any more of these promotions. That one this morning was really-"

"Forget it Xavier!" he barked. "You made an agreement. You signed the contract. We've got you by the short hairs!"

"Excuse me?" I said in disbelief.

"You heard me! Now you've got an appointment to do some radio. The limo should already be at your school. Get going!"

I sat there stunned by the brazeness of this TV executive. Did he have any idea who he was talking to? Didn't he realize what I could do to him? I started to think of all the things I could do to him when a loud blaring horn began honking outside my window.

Ah well. The racers have already started. I suppose I can put up with these ordeals for a bit longer. The driver took me to a tall high rise in midtown New York. I was lead up to a well lit studio. A nasally, gravely voice filled the studio's sound system.


"Okay, now we've got this guy named, um, let me see . . Professor X. Sounds pretty creepy."

"Oh Howard, you are so crazy, ha, ha, ha!" said a plump black woman sitting in the corner.

"Thank you, Robin. Now then, 'Professor', how are you doin' today?"

"Just fine thank you, Howard. And how-"

"Now let me ask you somethin'. You run a school right? And there are all sorts of young chicks there? Like, hot young chicks, right? Do you ever let them give you 'extra credit' to boost their grades?"

"Well of course students can do extra credit work. Both the girls and the boys."

"Woah!" he shouted. "Both the boys and the girls?! Thank you Congressman Foley! So that's how things are at your school, huh? Am I right Robin?"

"Ha ha! You are so right, Howard!" the woman agreed.

"Now then, let me ask you somethin' else," the man with the long scraggly black hair and protruding nose said. "These girls. You make 'em wear uniforms?"

"Well yes," I answered, a bit confused. "They wear spandex suits that-"

"OOH! Spandex! Are they skin tight?"

I found the eagerness in his voice to be more than a bit disturbing. "Well yes, but that's because they have to-"

"Oh man, that is so hot! I can just see it. And when the girls do their 'extra credit' . . . do they take off their skin tight spandex suits?"

"I don't . . I mean they do take them off to-"

"Oh man! You are one sleazy old guy! I love it!"

"What are talking about?" I demanded. "I am not sleazy. I run a-"

"You have got the best job ever!" Howard boomed. "You can get these hot little girls to do anything you want. You lucky bastard."

"Howard, I am here to talk about the Amazing Mutant Race show. We are airing-"

"So you're a mutant right?" he interrupted. "Do you ever use your powers to get people to do whatever you want?"

"It's not like that at all. There are many ethical considerations to be taken into-"

"Do you ever use your powers on women? Get them to go out on dates and sleep with you and stuff?"

"Of course not! I am rather offended that-"

"Oh come on! Any guy with that kind of power is totally going to use it to make women sleep with them. Am I right Robin?"

"Ha ha! You are so right, Howard!"

"I mean you can get chicks to do anything you want," Howard continued. "Fourth point of contact and everything! You lucky, lucky bastard."

"Now look here, Howard," I said as sternly as I could. "I hardly ever use my . . I mean, I absolutely would never under any circumstances use my powers in that fashion."

"Oh come on, Xavier!" he insisted. "You're a guy, right?"

"Of course I am."

"Well that chair you're in . . I mean your not dead below the waist are you? The equipment still works and everything?"

"Well of course it does. But I really don't see what-"

"Then there is no way you aren't using your powers to get women. I don't care what you say. Ladies and gentlemen, my new hero . . Professor X. Catch the Amazing Mutant Race 3 results show this Sunday at 8pm on CBS! Up next . . Carrot Top!"

Uggh. I need a shower.


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

"Fourth point of contact?" Is howard hanging out with paratroopers now?

Great interview, though.

10:53 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Hey Chuck. Caliban and I will do media for ya.

No problem at all. All require is that we get interviewed by John Stewart.

I love that guy.


12:51 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Not that it's something to look forward to, but I think it's standard practice for eliminated contestants to go onto TV shows and trash talk their competitors.

6:53 AM  
Blogger Magdalena said...

you didnt use your powers on me did you?

1:08 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Maybe Hench used some kind of magic whammy something on ya maggie?

1:22 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

Bah! As if I want to go these " Interview Shows"

1:34 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

What a great, deep and profound interview. It's really an intellectual meeting of minds.

Why didn't we stay for Carrot Top?

3:05 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Maggie, of course not. You know you can trust me.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Well the real torture hasn't begun untill you've gone on the View. Why don't you just have interviews with more friendlier tv Martha Stewart?

7:59 PM  
Blogger L>T said...

AH, so that was Howard Stern who googled me on "teen-age girls in spandex" Remember that conversation?
Small world, huh, professor.
I had to come over & make sure you were still kicking.

9:56 PM  
Blogger icequeen said...

Can you help me? I'm looking for my parents.

By the by Howard sucks.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Kon-El said...
Maybe Hench used some kind of magic whammy something on ya maggie?

Please kid, one of my secert powers is being SEXY. Maybe one day you won't have a girlfriend, who won't leave for a kid named Robin.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Vince Briefs said...

And another one of Henchman's powers is the ability to hit my father's fists with his face hahaha!

3:01 PM  
Blogger Vampirella said...

Poor Xavier

3:40 PM  
Blogger Hot Stuff the little devil said...

LOL vincent

3:40 PM  
Blogger Black Widow said...

Howard is under SHIELD investigation

3:41 PM  
Blogger SQT said...

I can't believe you didn't use your powers on Howard. That is some amazing self control you have. I'd of done something violent.

My word recognition is "meew." I wonder if it's trying to suggest I'm being catty?

9:41 PM  
Blogger Boulder said...

gotta hand it to ya prof. you put up with a lot of stuff... by the way next time you go on that show, with him, ya might wanna read his mind to see what he's talkin bout before ya answer...i know it's against rules but still. well i admire ya still i'd of knocked him through the wall when i figured out what he was meanin.

4:28 AM  
Blogger polar said...

wow he was a jerk... give me two minutes with him.... i'll teach him to respect his elders....

4:29 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

I say batarang Howard.
It never fails.
Oh and my only response to Henchman is WTF???

8:43 AM  
Blogger KODIAK THE UNCANNY said...

Way back When vampi and I traveled the state on harleys, I was a frequent visitor to the Howy' show. And once he found out bout my natural female attracting mutant pharomones that us ferals have, well lets juts say he begged for a vile of my blood. He also wanted me to ride the sabein machine, After that I never went back. Oh and his co-host Robin hit on me.....

1:18 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

What a intresting interview. You should have made him think he was a school girl and made Robin think he was a Klansman. Oh the fun that would have insued.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

"Vile of your blood" Kodiak? I would imagine...

7:18 PM  

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