Cyclops pulled the X-Van into the handicap spot in front of the Wal-Mart on 275 Main St. I pressed the button and the rear door slid up and the long black ramp extended out. I rolled down it and headed in to the store to find an appropriate gift for Captain Picard. In case you don't know, he's a starship captain in the 24th century who throws the most amazing Christmas parties.

The very first section of the store was men's ties.

"Perfect!" I told Scott. "What gentleman wouldn't like a sharp tie?"

"Er, I don't thing they wear ties in the future, Professor. Remember those, uh, jumpsuits they wore? No place for a tie."

"Right, right. Okay then, how about those over there?"

I rolled up to the cooking appliances. "The George Foreman Grill. A perfect present for any man."

"Yeah, but don't they have those food replicator things? I don't think they cook anymore in the future."

"Sounds like a Zager and Evans song."

We continued on throughout the store and Scott poo-pooed most of my suggestions. He said they had no room on the Enterprise for a wading pool or trampoline. No need for a set of decorative hand towels or recliner chairs. No interest in any one of a dozen other things I mentioned.

Finally in utter exasperation I came to a complete stop. "This is madness!" I yelled at Scott. "It's just a Christmas present! It doesn't really matter what I get him. There's no such thing as a perfect gift. I might as well just get him anything! Even this," I said as I reached out and grabbed the thing nearest me. I turned the box slowly around in my hand.

"Arrested Development?" Scott asked. "But they might not have DVD players in the -"

"I don't care!" I shouted. "He's getting this! Let's go!"