Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Apocalypse has had the Scarlet Witch, Sabertooth, Quicksilver, Emma Frost and Polaris as his prisoners for two days now. Surely this must have given him enough time to get all of his diabolical plans into their final stage. This means two things. One, we can find out what his ultimate goal is. Two, in the event that we are able to stop him, we will have done so in a very dramatic way. That is always far more heroic, of course.

Our team assembled in the Ready Room at the mansion. Gaia had done a quick recon of his base in France and reported that his mutant prisoners were all placed into capsules in some kind of giant contraption. The device appeared to be some kind of generator or siphon.

As I looked over the assembled team, I wondered if we had enough fire power to take on a being such as Apocalypse. Not to mention his Horsemen, Oprah and Celine. Wolverine kept popping his claws.

"Let me at 'em," he growled.

"Can we get on with this already?" Jean asked impatiently. "I want to get back at that fat cow. I don't know what the hell that anti-Phoenix force was, but I'm going to take it out permanently."

Northstar nodded agreement but he had a nervous look on his face. I didn't blame him. The way Jean has been slipping back and forth between her Dark Phoenix personality is definitely a cause for concern.

Just as I was about to give Gaia the signal to teleport the group to France, the Ready Room door opened and in walked Selene, the Black Queen. Deadpool was at her side.

"How did zey get in vithout tripping ze alarm?" Nightcrawler asked.

"Because I invited them," I said. "Now we are ready to go. Gaia, if you would?"

"You got it, Professor." She folded her arms together in front of her and nodded. Instantly we were all transported from the mansion to the control room of Apocalypse's hidden base. Waiting there for us was Celine Dion and Oprah Winfrey, his extremely powerful mutant warriors.

"You are too late, X-Men!" Oprah shouted with glee. "The master's plans are almost complete!"

"Now!" I telepathically told the team. Everyone sprung into action.

Celine opened her mouth wide and started to emit her nerve shattering screech. Northstar, as planned, charged her at near light speed and slammed into her hard. Despite her small thin size, she proved to have tremendous strength. Northstar bounced off of her and went ricocheting across the room.

Celine's horrific song started to fill the room. Charging X-Men began to falter but fortunately Gaia was able to get a sound proof energy shell around her at just the last moment. Celine continued screeching and I could see the shell start to waiver. Gaia had to use all of her concentration to hold it in place.

Meanwhile, Jean called upon the Phoenix force and flew directly at Oprah. She laughed back. Rather than call upon her own fiery bird, she raised her hands and waves of force slammed into Jean who was knocked back hard.

Colossus picked up Wolverine and threw him at Oprah. With his claws leading the way, he sped for her heart. Oprah waved her hand though and stopped Logan in mid-air. She spun him around and then hurtled him back at Colossus. Nightcrawler leapt onto Peter's back and teleported him out of the way at the last possible second.

As other X-Men charged at her, I reached out telepathically and picked my way careful through Oprah's substantial mental defenses. Cyclops fired his optic blast at her but she easily deflected the assault. The Black Queen psychokinetically caused panels from the computer banks to rise up and fly at Oprah just as Deadpool pulled out his two Uzis and opened fire. Oprah was able to redirect those attacks also, but her distraction gave me the opportunity I needed.

Reaching through her shields deep into her inner mind, I suddenly unleashed a psionic firestorm. Oprah screamed and fell to her knees. The X-Men quickly swarmed her. As she was restrained, loud maniacal laughter filled the room. Everyone turned to the door and saw Apocalypse's other two, newly acquired Horsemen. Both were also dressed in Hellfire Club attire. It was Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Two of the most powerful mutants on the planet.


Blogger Gaia said...

Don't worry! I brought a water gun! Tom's one and only weakness...

9:20 PM  
Blogger Selene said...

The Hellfire club is VERY fashion forward...I'm not surprised at all that they are copying my look.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

I'm so glad I got out of that freak show

6:17 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Holy cow! This is more horrible than I thought!

Norm MacDonald had a line about that movie. "I went and saw Interview With a Vampire. Not gay enough."

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Wolverine said...

The horrible things keep comin' first Vampirella kid talks about Vegeta Reproducin' on his blog(brrrrrrrr.) and now I have to see Oprah dressed like that. And the fast ball special don't do nothin"' against em. this day sucks .

10:20 AM  
Blogger flu said...

You should call up Isaac and Gopher to help out. They used to bring situations like this under control on your old ship week in and week out.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Jean Grey-Summers said...

I do not believe water is his true weakness.

Where is Katie? Maybe if we hold her hostage he will give in.

And that cow Oprah better watch her back. She may have caught me off guard once, but it will NOT happen again.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew he was truely evil
Just tell all the women in the world where he is and they will be happy to tear him from limb to limb

11:59 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

The only way to beat Tom is to get Nicole Kidman to destroy him.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Now that is a good idea.

And Fluke, I think you must have me confused with someone else. I've heard rumors that my father had an illigitimate child who served onboard a luxury liner, but I catagorically and unequivically deny that we are the same person.

3:50 PM  
Blogger flu said...

I must be thinking of Jean-Luc. Sorry.

5:05 PM  
Blogger * Northstar * said...

You know, at the few times that I've ever thrusted my body at a girl, it's usually out of my control or I'm the one that pulls back... this is the first time I actually went all the way out of my own free will and was pushed back by HER! Silly, non?

5:37 PM  
Blogger Deadpool said...

I'm paralyzed in fear of Tom Cruise. Gaia is it holy water? I think that's his weakness.

6:22 PM  
Blogger Gaia said...

No idea...Couldn't hurt to throw some in, could it?

7:04 PM  
Blogger Jean Grey-Summers said...

From what I hear Nicole Kidman is really just a robot. I have yet to check out this rumour though.

Also, how is it that Apocalpyse recruited all of these pwoerful mutants? He isn't the brightest crayon in the box.

9:29 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

You could try the creators of South Park, they scored a hit on Tom and have yet to suffer any retailiation

You could distract Tom by insulting Scientology, that apparently gets his panties in a bind

1:03 AM  

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