Monday, January 02, 2006

After a relatively peaceful night spent at the Brotherhood of Mutants base in the Savage Land, the five teams participating in the Amazing Mutant Race 2 met in the central planning room. Magneto addressed his guests, the disdain in his voice unmistakable.

"So . . you are the ones who have made it this far, eh? I can't say I'm impressed. There are only two mutants among you, for pity's sake! I say Emma and Selene win by default."

Gaia quickly interrupted, "Um, you can't do that Magneto. They have to keep going. The Professor opened the race up to everyone."

"Pitiful," was the Master of Magnetism's only response.

"Besides," chimed in Deadpool, "Cable and I are mutants, too."

Magneto turned his gaze towards them. "You? You are just a pathetic human who happened to have genetic material from a Homo Superior spliced into you. You are nothing but an abomination."

"Actually, I think that's the guy who fights the Hul- oww!" Deadpool turned sharply to Cable who had just jabbed him in the arm. "What!" he demanded, but Cable just shook his head, motioning him to silence.

"Fine. Continue your little race," Magneto said at last. Then an evil smile crossed his face. "Yes, I think you might just enjoy this next part. Wait, did I said you would enjoy it? No, I meant that I would enjoy it. Heh heh heh."

"Um yeah," said Gaia. "The next bit is a food challenge. Everyone will proceed to the dining hall, in the order of your arrival. You must then chose one memember from each team to complete the eating challenge. The first person to finish their whole bowl gets the first clue, and so on."

Emma and Selene, the winners from the previous night, were the first to head for the dining hall. When they arrived they found five tables set up, each with one chair and one big spoon. Next to the spoons were pitchers of water. Next to the chairs were large buckets. The Blob came out of the kitchen holding a giant steaming metal vat. He also had a very large grin.

"It's an old family recipe," he told the women. "The Duke's Special Hungarian Goulash. You is gonna love it!"

"You better do this one," Selene told Emma.

"Not a chance, dearie. This is right up your alley. Your little Nova Roma compound is in South America, so you must be use to ingesting bizarre . . I mean "exotic" . . foods."

"Emma, I have my figure to maintain. For you obviously that's not as important."

Flames burned in Emma's eyes. "But my dear, you are thousands of years old. You'll have plenty of time to burn a little soup off your hips, along with the rest of your fat."

Selene's right hand balled up into a fist, but she managed to hold back. "Can't you just turn into Cubic Zirconia and eat whatever you want?"

" . . I can't eat at all when I'm in my diamond form. If you want to go one step further in this race, then I suggest you sit down in that seat and start stuffing your face."

For a long, long moment, the two women glared with smoldering hatred into each other's eyes. Then Deadpool and Cable walked past them. The men nodded to each other and Deadpool took his seat, pulled up his face mask and started eating. Seeing this, Selene cursed at Emma and then jumped into a seat. As the the foul smell emanating from the bubbling ooze the Blob plopped into her bowl hit her nostrils, she almost gagged.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Private Hudson were the next to enter the room. One whiff of the goulash made Jon wrinkle up his nose.

"Let's face it Hudson," he said to his partner, "you're the obvious choice to take this hit. I mean you're in the Colonial Marines, right? This is probably a typical breakfast for you guys."

Hudson walked over to the Blob and peered into the vat he was holding. A slithery tentacle lashed out and splashed him with green goop. Hudson gulped.

"Well . . if you say so Jon."

"That's a good soldier," Jon said, breathing a sigh of relief.

Then Lieutenant Commander Oneida and Master Yoda walked in. Oneida inhaled sharply and almost passed out. "I don't think I can do this, Yoda."

The Jedi Master calmly waddled over to the steel vat. The Blob bent over so Yoda could peer inside. He dipped a stubby green finger into the slop and sucked it clean. "Hmm, tasty this is. Dagobah Wamprat Stew, reminds me of. Extra doggy bag, can I get?"

As he sat down to eat, Vegeta and Son Goku entered. Immediately Vegeta started shaking his head. "The only Earth food I like is McDonald's. This one is on you, Kakarot."

Even before he saw the food, Goku started to feel queasy. Just then Selene leaned over her bucket and made the most revolting yakking sounds. "I . . I don't know Vegeta. That l-looks nasty."

"What? You are the fiercest warrior I have ever seen. And you love to eat! You have a bottomless appetite. This task was made for you."

"Well, yeah, Vegeta. But, you know, I like food that tastes good. That stuff -"

"Don't be a wimp! Get in there and eat that crap!"

Reluctantly Goku sat down and dipped his spoon into the thick ooze. He slowly lifted it to his lips and took the smallest sip. Loud wretching noises erupted from Deadpool as he doubled over the bucket next to his seat. Goku looked back at his spoon and continued his sip. He slowly rolled the pungent goulash around in his mouth.

Looking over to Vegeta, he said, "It tastes kind of like White Castle Chili. Not bad at all, really." Then Goku tossed his head back and let the entire contents of the bowl slide down his throat in one gulp. The first to finish, he and his partner dashed over to Gaia who handed them their next clue.

"Follow the trail to the door that leads to the promised land. There, rebuild one wall of the Justice Hall to complete this leg of the race."

"The promised land?" mused Vegeta. "What the heck does that mean?"

"Let's follow the trail and find out," Goku responded, pointing to the far door with a card saying "The Trail" taped on it.

The two raced forward through the door and ran down the corridor behind it. Eventually they came to an archway on the other side of which was a huge room with a large glass chamber in the center of it. Next to the nearby control panel, seated on a pile of books placed on top of a stool, was a fox.

"This way, gentlemen," Fred, the talking fox said, gesturing with a paw towards the chamber.

The two warriors shrugged and entered the glass enclosure. Fred flicked a switch and the room was flooded with a blinding light. As their sight slowly returned, they found themselves still inside a glass chamber. This one, however, had a sign over it that said, "Welcome to Genosha."

"I've heard of the place," Son Goku said. "It's the mutant nation Magneto demanded from the UN."

"Well aren't you just a regular encyclopedia of useless trivia," Vegeta sneered.

"Let's just find the Justice Hall," Goku sighed.

Meanwhile, back in Antartica, Yoda was just licking his bowl clean. Grabbing the doggy bag offered by the Blob, he and Oneida hurried through the door. Hudson was the next to finish. As he wiped the slobber off his chin with his arm, Jon came over and patted him on the back.

"I'm proud of you, big guy. You held it together. Good soldier." Looking into his bloodshot eyes though, Jon wasn't sure Hudson was out of the woods yet. He noticed all the color draining rapidly out of the marine's face.

"Oh, man," moaned Hudson, ". . game over." And with that he dove for his bucket, spewing out all of the Blob's homemade goulash. "Sorry man," he said softly when he had finally finished.

"Don't worry about it big guy," Jon replied. "You finished the bowl and that's the important thing. Now let's get the heck out of here."

As the two ran through the door, only Deadpool and Selene were left at the table. Each struggled to find the will power to lift their spoons to their lips.

"Come on, Wade! Don't get all squeamish on me now!" Cable told his partner. "What about all that crap you have no problem what so ever eating? I've seen you go through a box of Ding Dong's in mere minutes. You've drained a gallon of Double Mocha Chip like it was water. I've seen you eat triple decker Whoppers-"

"You're not helping!" Deadpool hissed, trying not to puke again. With a Herculean effort, he managed to finish down the last of his meal. Staggering to his feet, he felt a wave of vertigo sweep over him. Suddenly Deadpool collapsed in a heap, groaning and clutching his stomach. Cable scooped up his partner, grabbed a clue and raced through the door.

"Selene," Emma yelled, "I will not lose this contest because you are a finicky eater! You only have a few more bites left. Finish it!"

Selene looked up at her teammate, barely able to focus. "I . .
I can't . ."

"Damn it! Are you going to let us be beaten by those two spiky headed freaks and Kermit, the frog?! By humans! By that fool Deadpool for pity's sake? I demand you finish your food right this instant!"

Selene looked down at the green swill at the bottom of her bowl. Every fiber in her body ached. She slowly shook her head in defeat.

"Fine," said Emma. "If you finish your bowl, I will tell you about the Hellfire Club's involvement with Sentinel and Alien hybrid that attacked New York a few months ago."

Turning again to Emma, a look of curiosity now peeked through Slene's pained face. She was aware of the attack, but not the Club's connection. Being thousands of years old, she knew well that knowledge was the most important commodity on the planet. Steeling herself, Selene attacked the remainder of her food with renewed vigor. Soon she was finished and the two hurried to the glass chamber.

As their eyesight slowly returned, the women found themselves in Genosha. They both knew instantly where they were, of course, and they also knew where the Justice Hall was located. They made their way quickly through the bombed out streets, the signs of rebuilding everywhere. When they reached the shattered Hall, they found the other teams already at work, each cementing bricks onto new walls. There was a vacant spot, clearly left for them. With a sigh, they got started on their laborious task.

All the teams worked zealously, rapidly slapping bricks into place. Vegeta and Goku finished first and ran over to the platform where Gaia was standing, not far away. Jon and Hudson were the next to finish, followed by Oneida and Yoda.

As Deadpool remained curled up in a fetal ball, Cable, his body drenched in sweat, worked as fast as he could. Sneaking a glance over her shoulder, Emma could see that he would be done before them. She nudged Selene and gave her a wink. A foxy smile crossed her lips and Selene gestured towards Cable's wall.

Slowly several of the bottom bricks started to slide out. Cable was too focused on adding new bricks to notice Selene's telekinetic manipulation. When he slapped the next to last brick on top, his now weakened wall fell over, the loose pieces scattering all over the ground.

"Damn it!" he yelled in despair. The women turned back to their work, pretending they had no idea what had happened. Cable, swallowing his frustration, scrambled frantically to start over from scratch. But it was no use. Emma and Selene beat him easily.

The two women, choking back their laughter, hurried over to Gaia. They turned to watch with evil glee as Cable picked up Deadpool and carried him to the platform.

Gaia, looking visibly unhappy, said, "Cable . . Deadpool, I'm sorry to say that as the last team to arrive, you have both been eliminated." Cable nodded in understanding. Deadpool just groaned in pain. Gaia turned to Vegeta and Son Goku. "And as the winners of this leg of the Amazing Mutant Race, you two will be the first to depart tomorrow."


Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Yay! still going. Glad Master Yoda liked the food...

And Selene, you got told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, in addition to being called fat by Emma. That's harsh, but you took it like a good trooper.

Speaking of trooper, *opens bag, removes small plastic box* Certs mint, Hudson?

10:06 PM  
Blogger Private Hudson said...



That stew was worse than the slop they served in boot camp.

10:17 PM  
Blogger Deadpool said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! THEY CHEATED!! *sniff* Oh well at least I have a tv show unlike those two...

10:44 PM  
Blogger Selene said...

Well you see, Emma is very much "all talk, no action" It is clear who is "piggy backing" her way through these missions sometimes...I must admit though, the reunion of the Black and White Queen has been quite the partnership!

11:04 PM  
Blogger Son Goku said...

No one can beat me in an eating contest That stuff was awsome! I want more, Hey Blob! seconds and thirds right here!

11:24 PM  
Blogger Taskmaster said...

Dang, I was rooting for C&D. Although if the grand prize involves pole dancing, I'm going to root for Selene and Emma. And Yoda.

11:56 PM  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Know any Pole dances I do not. Never been to Poland I have

12:36 AM  
Blogger * Northstar * said...

!!! Xavier! I didn't expect to see you on here! How are you doin you old man? Long time no see. I'm sure you've heard that I'm back, and getting better now. I have a blog now too, I had to start it... part of my therapy. It sucks ass, and NOT in a good way. I hope we can work together again soon... hopefully this time I can be on the field... or at least do SOMETHING other than teach the damn Alpha Squadron. Talk to you later


3:42 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Welcome back Northstar! And I'm glad you made it back without being all zombie-fied and undead like. They're always shedding bits of dried green skin around the house. It can be a real pain to keep up.

5:49 AM  
Blogger Captain Berk said...

This is better than 'federation big brother'.

Nothing every happens.

The contestants just waste time planning away missions.

7:34 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

It could have been worse...there might have been a McDonalds nearby.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Jean Grey-Summers said...


I was so going for Cable and his Pet, Deadpool.

Damn you Selene.

Anyhow. I cannot wait to see what happens next.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

It sucks that you have to carry her through competition. And she'll still get at least half the glory and half the prize if you win. You two must be like sisters for you to be able to put up with that.

I'm excited Master Yoda and I are doing well, but... I still see Jon and Hudson being the surprise winners.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Selene said...

Well, I'm hoping the grand prize is the Rune Staff that I have been trying aquire for quite some time now.....or Rachel Grey, I'll take either or.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Jean Grey-Summers said...

If you want Rachel you can have her. She is just a burden. But under one condition.

You kill her when you are done, so that she never, ever, ever, ever EVER comes back. 'Kay?

Oh. And you throw the race.

-Love Jean

9:11 PM  
Anonymous En Sabah Nur said...

this is amusing Professor I watched something this fun since the romans had there gladitorial games. But if Jean is going to be weak again I guess I should find a new Death.

9:29 PM  

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