Friday, November 11, 2005

Shadowcat, Magneto and I, along with the child Leech whom I was cajoled into taking along against my better judgment, barreled along at warp speed north on I-95 back towards New Jersey after breaking Eric out of the federal detention facility known as the Vault. How could the X-Van, manufactured by Chevrolet Motors and designed to not reach speeds in excess of 110 miles an hour possibly achieve warp speed you ask? Because Kitty Pryde was driving. She tells me she passed her road test and has a driver's license but somehow I doubt it. No one under 30 should be allowed to drive.

Fortunately I was able to persuade her to pull over for a lunch break at Taco Bell. I would have chosen the Friendly's across the street because I simply love their Waffle French Fries, but what with a small green child and an escaped convict, I thought it best to stick to establishments that had drive-thru service. If Leech hadn't been blocking out my mutant telepathic abilities, I never would have stopped at all.

No sooner had we gotten our food and pulled into the parking lot to eat when three anti-gravity air ships suddenly swooped down on us from the heavens. Actually, they were coming from the direction of the Vault and they had little American flags on them so I don't actually think they were from Heaven.

Energy rays shot from one of the ships and smashed into the ground next to us. Concrete was sent flying everywhere. The van rocked so heavily that my Diet Pepsi spilled all over Leech. If only that would have been enough to cancel out his mutant power so that I could take out the pilots psionically.

A deep booming voice echoed over the whole area, broadcast from the lead ship's loudspeaker.

"Alright mutie scum! This is your last chance to surrender! You've got five seconds before I start blowin' the crap out of you!"

"Well," I said to my companions, "I really hope you are happy about your decision to bring Leech along. I told you that if we got killed it would be your fault. Thank you so much."

"Are you quite through?" asked Magneto. He looked over at Kitty who sat petrified in the front seat. "Don't worry my child," Eric said to her, "these are pathetic little Homo Sapiens. They can't possibly hurt us."

Then another blast hit just outside the X-Van knocking us all out of our seats.

"Even our little speed demon can't out run those ships, Eric," I pointed out.

Eric sighed and then got out of the van. He waved the little white Taco Bell paper napkin towards the sky and the lead ship then landed a few feet away. I watched from the van window as the canopy of the small fighter ship opened and out came a colorful costumed character.

"So, you thought you could escape, eh mutie?" the masked man asked.

"From such a pathetic specimen as you? I didn't think it would be a problem," Magneto answered.

"Ha! Well then, you didn't count on havin' to deal with US Agent! I've been placed in charge of security at the Vault and it'll be a cold day in hell before I let any a' you mutie scum escape on my watch!" The costumed man leaned in close to Magneto and jabbed a finger in his chest. This so-called US Agent was much larger than Eric and without his powers, I didn't think it would be much of a fight.

"You humans are are all so predictable," said Eric in a mocking tone.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You are responsible for security at the Vault, correct?" asked Eric.

"You got that right," said US Agent.

"That means it is your job to ensure that no prisoner escapes, right?"

"That's right mutie."

"And yet I did escape, no?"

"Well . . you didn't escape for long, 'cause I caught up to you!"

"None-the-less, I did escape from the prison," insisted Eric.

"Yeah," admitted US Agent reluctantly.

"You therefore failed in your responsibilities," Eric accused with an unmistakable smugness in his voice.

"I never failed at anything!" yelled US Agent.

"You were charged with making sure no prisoner escaped and yet one did. You failed."

US Agent said nothing. The heat seething from his anger spoke volumes, though.

"I have a simple solution that will guarantee that no one will ever know you failed," said Eric.

" . . I'm listenin'," US Agent replied.

"Let us go. Return to your post. Professor Xavier will use his awesome mental powers to erase the memories of everyone involved that I was ever even interred at the Vault. No one, not even you, will ever know of your one failure."

" . . he can do that?" US Agent asked with a hint of hope.

"Most definitely."

". . what about the kid?"

"He stays with us. Any memory of him will also be erased."

US Agent looked at Eric a good long time. Finally he said, "Alright Magneto, you got a deal." And with that, US Agent got back into his ship and left with his two wingmen.

Eric had a rather large gloating smile on his face as he climbed back into the van.

"Humans are so predictable," he said.


Blogger Vegeta said...

Hmph you Obviously have more patience Than I do Professor. I don't see how you put up with it all quite honestly.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

It looks like Captain America to me.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Dazzler said...

I thought the same thing Jean-Luc

1:01 PM  
Blogger Son Goku said...

maybe he's Bizzaro Cap?

11:53 PM  
Blogger Jason aka Dark Magician 25 said...

I think US Agent is a knock off of Captain Amercia and his oh so loyalty to the American way of life and preserving it. But since Captain America is off on the adventures with the Avengers and the Ultimates he really dosent have time to be the government's watchdog.

Plus from what I understand US Agent is a bit of a big jerk. He takes himself way to seriously on the job and eventually its gonna get him killed.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

US Agent did replace Captain America for a while. He's a little unstable as well.

10:33 PM  

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